How Exquisite You Love
Posted on December 15, 2019
LOVE. Oof, one word holds so many connotations, limitations and beliefs. Even as you read this you’re thinking of your own story of love or heartbreak. For most of my life, I’ve held myself back from fully letting love in. I had my reasons, until I realized that Blaise Pascal was right when he said that the heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of, we know the truth not only by the reason, but by the heart.
I’ve been falling in love with someone over the past year. Mostly it bobbed just below my consciousness, until it surfaced with such blinding clarity that I was shocked. I’m talking, couldn’t sleep as I wondered, “How in the hell did I let this happen?”
The truth being, I entered into it, the deepest part of me guiding me until I realized that I couldn’t have picked a more suitable partner. Is he who I thought I’d end up with? No. But when I allow myself to realize how I feel around him I know that while my mind may have needed to play catch up, my heart knew the whole time as my soul guided me.
I recently found this passage of writing and it’s so resonant for me now. I’ve thought I was ready. Given that I wrote this in December of 2018, I’ve thought I was ready for about a year. You can think you’re ready, but until you let go of all your limiting beliefs you won’t align as you’re misaligned within yourself. Fortunately, I want this so I’ve been doing the work to excavate the bullshit to open up to this magical love that has brought transformation for me, both inside and out.
This is what I wrote: (for context, two men entered my life in 2018, one ended up married, the other engaged. Double oof!!)
“I don’t want to be married, yet, but I do want to date and feel that warm giddy feeling when you spend time together. I want to feel the slow realization that I’m opening up to another because that’s how I am when I’m with him. And I open as I want to get to know him better as he begins to know me.
I want more kissing while pressed to the wall. I want those moments you don’t have to speak because you just know. You both know. I want intimacy. I want naked limbs intertwined. Smiles that crinkle at the edges of our eyes. I want to embrace the adventure of life, together. To know each other deeper. Fuller. To wear the plunging crimson dress that hugs all the right curves. I want to learn how you take your coffee…and your eggs. I want to feel the 5 o’clock shadow as it rubs my skin pink from too much kissing—as if that’s even a thing. I look forward to the laughs, the uninterrupted belly laughs as we let go.
Oh, how my heart feels ready even as it still quivers from the cracks and fissures – the scars from the open hearts before. We’ve been through so much and still…how exquisite you love.
Through tears and faith. Through finally letting go and allowing yourself be held with your ear pressed to his chest as you heard his heart beating and loving in time. I want to hear your stories- the good, the bad, the ugly. The parts that make you human. Your depths as I tell you mine. I want to sing and dance and pluck the wild flowers from our hearts and make crowns we place upon our heads. Let’s hold space as we see each other in the fierce grace we’ve cultivated from living in this cruel and beautiful world…
I’m ready to love and be loved. I’m ready to lie beneath the gaze of my lover’s eyes.”
I can’t control what happens. A relationship consists of two people always choosing to show up with the other. I know what I choose and I’m sharing this as I don’t want to live behind the shadow of what could’ve been because I was too afraid to own how I feel. Nah, I’m showing up and sharing it proudly as it’s been a lifetime earned this declaration of love. Cross your fingers for me!