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Over 6 years ago I wandered into Experience Project. The site was created to foster the sharing of stories so as to help us feel less alone in this human experience. The topics ranged from I am an incarnated angel, I am spiritual not religious, I am an introvert, I like cake, I think songs express my feelings best, I want to know the real me, I like animals more than humans etc.

 

I didn’t realize how alone I felt until I found my tribe: we’re the misfits, the seekers of truth, the shakers of tradition wielding curiosity and joy while adventuring to wring out all the tired phrases passed down as The Truth, The Light, The Way.

 

We stand on the fringe, always on the outside looking in.

 

Except, when you’re all on the outside, I guess you’ve brought the outside, in.

 

I wandered into the forums after googling: incarnated angels. A concept I had written about in my novel, Glow – the beginning of my renewed spiritual life path.

 

I had finally sat still long enough to listen to that voice inside – the one that has whispered to me my whole life- and began writing a story of angels and demons, redemption, empowerment and love – the blooming of a human romance and divine connection between two souls.

 

Where was this coming from? Why had my opening back up been brought on by a wish boomeranging back from the universe? How did the spurring come in signs designed to wake me and shake me up?

 

My head was bursting with questions I didn’t feel comfortable asking in my real life.

 

So many “what if’s” filled my head throughout the day in the lather-rinse-repeat like existence I had come to call my life.

 

Can I trust the voice within, again?

 

I was so accustomed to tuning that voice out. I had shoved her down and silenced her.

 

What did she know about living this outer life?

 

So far inside me she resided, shielded from the pain incurred through living. Until the pain built up so high, the walls inevitably crumbled. And I realized she’s been there feeling and witnessing the whole time.

 

Weeping and loving and forgiving me.

 

Tuning back in, expelled from my life and way of living, I was a hot and holy mess. So, I took my broken shell and headed out for answers.

 

As EE cummings said, “always the beautiful answer who asks a more beautiful question.”

 

Only, I would’ve liked a few answers. Well, if I’m being honest, mainly just one.

 

Will I be okay?

 

I wanted to know, not just speculate or hypothesize, but find definitive proof that I am here, I am loved and I am seen.

 

I’m a single human amongst billions of others on this little blue planet revolving around a gaseous ball of light we call the sun, bobbing in a galaxy amongst galaxies in a vast universe for which less than 5% is visible.

 

My mind cannot even comprehend the vastness of all that is, let alone know how in all of this: that I’ll be okay, loved and held as I navigate through the day.

 

How can any of us know?

 

We hope, we pray, we seek, we long for the answers.

 

But so often we’re too busy to hear the whisper.

 

I captured mine in poems and my spotty journal; breadcrumbs I can only follow now as I return to me.

 

I’ve been writing my okay throughout the years. Only I wasn’t paying attention or seeking answers from within.

 

And okay doesn’t mean any more than my spirit will survive.

 

She’s been with me all along. I call her a she because she is: feminine.

 

I don’t want to hear the groans with the use of feminine, divine feminine or feminine energy. There’s a lot of bullshit out there. There’s a lot of misunderstanding and misuse of spirituality, feminine + masculine, energy, law of attraction, abundance… the whole lot.

 

I won’t peddle it here. I promise. There’s so much to wade through it can get dizzying.

 

I know, because I’ve been there.

 

So, I’ll reflect a little back about where I’ve been, what I’ve seen and just how I feel that it’s not so much about finding your way out of the mess, but embracing it, surrendering to it and allowing the inner spirit guide you on your way.

 

I don’t believe in a life isn’t messy kind of God.

 

And my definition of God is loose, encompassing the vastness of all that is: you, me + the other 7.5 billion folks on this planet, the stars and the moon and the sun, the love, light and dark… our home.

 

There is no outside looking in with this as we abide on the inside looking out.

 

“Come in, come in,,” spirit whispers, “It’ll be okay: the mess, the pain, the inability to see the light or feel the love are part of this awakening; part of life.”

 

I whisper, “close your blind eyes, peer from the inside out and let insight set you free.”

 

I’ll meet you there as you are not alone.