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They say love is patient and kind, but I say love is fierce too.

 

I know what it’s like to muster all the courage you have to walk away from a life you so dutifully crafted while it falls to pieces. Acknowledging the hole tunneled directly through your heart, like swiss cheese, leaving an ache so unbearable that sometimes that’s all you felt.

 

If you even felt at all.

 

I know the despair in knowing that you’ll have to walk this journey alone.

 

Make no mistake, there are those that will come along: friends and family who can sit with you and let you fall to pieces too.

 

But most can’t.

 

Regardless of those sent to help, no one can take the steps for you. No one can instill the lessons needing to be gleaned as well and as the wisdom to sift through the bullshit to let go.

 

About the same time I realized I needed to leave my marriage, I went through what is called a spiritual awakening.

 

What one awakens is a debate, one that many theologians, scholars, mystics and scientists like to provide certainty with what it IS.

 

But the only absolute known is the vastness of the unknown. This unknown is where my journey began as who flips life this late in the game?

 

Would I be happy? Would I find a loving relationship? Will I finish the novel I started? Will I live into all the new dreams I had cast out to the universe for me?

 

Will I know me?

 

I was leaving a marriage, a career, a life, casting off all the knowns and certainty I had cocooned myself with to embark on this new chapter only there was no map highlighting how to get there.

 

There are dozens of self-help books the key piece being self help. And not every method that works for another will work for you, or worked for me.

 

My self ached, deeply, for a connection that felt so close and yet light years away.

 

What do you fill an eternal ache with?

 

The eternal, love.

 

The eternal love.

 

I filled bookshelves with accounts of such: major religious texts, new age, philosophy, self-help, memoirs and science – neuroscience, physics with a little microbiology and epigenetics.

 

I soaked myself in the paths foraged by others, wanting to find the answer.

 

Who am I?

 

Why am I here?

 

Why are we all here now on this little blue planet rotating and revolving around a massive fire ball that is the exact distance and temperature needed to foster life?

 

How are two equal, but opposite truths, true.

 

How are we made of stardust and essence flux?

 

Body, mind + spirit?

 

Here we are in our little home that is but one galaxy amongst a grander whole… the Universe.

 

Here’s where the vast unknowns unfold most fervently. I wanted to know my place in the world, this universe, within myself.

 

I wanted to know why a story, Glow, had filtered down to and through me forever affecting the trajectory of my life. I had asked for it, sure, but the response was a fervent whisper begging me to wake-up.

 

But then… who was speaking?

 

I could say the beginning of this journey was 6 years ago, or 38 years ago, or whenever the essence of me sparked into existence (not sure the date of that).

 

But it’s really irrelevant as time has holes too.

 

I had found some amazing truths from other’s journeys between book covers. But not all fit. No 10 steps healed me or helped me finish my novel in 90 days.

 

No, I’m here, in the middle of it all yet centered in my core, knowing the love that I am and the light I cast when I venture into the dark.

 

I still feel the ache, sometimes. But it’s a whole hell of a lot less than it was.

 

 

That’s the thing with journeys, especially when using stars as a guide, you don’t ever get there, but you do know when you’re going in the right direction, your spirit your north star.

 

Follow the whispers, the synchronicities, the miracles and magic. What feels right.

 

The hero’s journey, the dark night of the soul, the 40 days in the woods, the sweat lodge, meditation, the casting off of earthly delights, all describe this process of letting go, shedding the old and ushering in the new.

 

Only the new isn’t really new as it’s the truth and return to who I really am. Who you really are.

 

That’s who whispers, dear one.

 

That’s who cradles you in the dark, while fierce love swirls into existence the ability to go off on one’s own and come back.

 

Spirit awakening.

 

The reclaiming of life is almost as difficult as the journey for you have new stories to tell, newfound truths, perspectives and beliefs. Many will want to hear, to know their way.

 

But the crux of it is sitting still with your spirit self and listening.

 

I share this with people and they groan as they’d rather I tell them what to do, how to proceed.  But you already know what you want, what you need and how to get yourself there.

 

It’s not easy but it is simple.

 

No one will make you go, but you may find a day when the eternal ache is so debilitating that you can’t go further content in discontent, even if it means falling to pieces only to put yourself back together again. After the great fall, comes the rise once you’ve reckoned with your story, your emotions, owning your shit, your magic + the light you become in the dark…your divine spirit guide to a reclaimed life.

 

Am I Happy? Oh, hell yeah! I get sad and frustrated and confused and impatient and full of wonder too. I feel it all. 

 

Am I in a loving relationship? Yes, I got that too, only the love I needed was self-love. When I fill that hole with my eternal love drawing love from the eternal, I can greet the days no matter the unknowns.

 

Will I finish the book I started? It’s so close. I pitch the manuscript this summer.  It’s hard work. Creativity and tapping into the flow of your gift feels wonderful, but there are tedious parts too. Just sit your ass down and you’ll capture the miracles and magic that abound if you sit long enough.

 

Will I live into the new dreams? Dreams aren’t realities unless we make them so; they aren’t handed to us wrapped in a silken bow. To be honest, I already am and it’s only just the beginning :)

 

Who am I? I’m an expression of my soul, the part of me that remains connected to all that is. Just what that means changes as I grow and unfold returning to me, again and again.. my shimmering eternal spirit.

 

The fierce love that propelled me to shake things up, to fall apart exposing my mess had to happen for me to know myself in a way that could never come without the reckoning and rumble with the dark night of my soul as I became the light, illuminating the way through insight.

 

I’m still living into a new way of being.

 

But it all begins at the start. From the first whisper.

 

Do you hear it?