Heartbreak your heart open.
Posted on May 4, 2016
How often do you side step something knowing that you’ll avoid getting hurt, in the long run?
How often do you keep yourself from connecting, as the possibility of heartbreak is too much to bear?
Are you lonely?
I have been, for most of my life.
My process of surviving bullying and general dis-ease with myself in the world resulted in an ironclad cocoon around my heart.
Screw vulnerability, I wasn’t going to expose my sensitive self, only to have my heart and soul crushed.
It’s not that I didn’t have friends; I have friendships I cherish. But I can count those that really know me on one hand.
My tenderized adult heart is pulsing, wanting to bust out of its cage to love the whole damn world.
But still I keep people at arms length.
You can get this close but never cross some invisible line I’ve drawn. It’s not a healthy boundary; it’s a defense mechanism.
And it all funnels down to love.
I don’t innately believe I’m worthy of love. It sounds weird to write that but it’s no less true. It’s a 50:50 shot in believing one is worthy and I got the short end… I think.
Although, Maybe winding my way back to where I should’ve been from birth is the meaning of life.
Perhaps weaving through my experiences while facing the inner demons that so muted my light and love and ability to connect is the true gift of the spiritual journey.
Because once I worked that kink out, there ain’t nothing taking that power, love or light away.
I fought my way to self-love, to worthiness and enoughness; they’re the badges over my scars.
And my heart is covered in them.
I’m here to shine as bright as I can in the dark to let you know you don’t have to be lonely, but you do have to learn how to be present in your own presence.
Love begins within you and loneliness is the absence of this inner feeling.
Once you love yourself wholeheartedly, just as you are now, you’re able to show up and be seen. You don’t seek love from others to fill your void heart, but bring the courage to open up to connection, to the love flowing back.
There may be heartbreak, but tandem to that is growth and the knowing that love will always find love no matter the opposition.
My life is radically different than it was a decade ago and it has everything to do with heart-breaking my heart open while allowing all emotions and connections to flow unobstructed.
It can be a painful process, but a feat of a lifetime.
To weather the storms within the four chambers of your heart, softened from experience, compassionate as a result of suffering, appreciating beauty and extending such in contrast to the ugly in the world.
Heartache doesn’t go away as it is tandem to the beauty of connection; flip sides of the same coin.
Last fall I wrote about the loss of my beloved dog, Bentley.
But what I didn’t tell you is that 6 hours before he passed, I parted ways with the man I fell deeply in love with post divorce.
It was a 4-year relationship gift from the universe. It shook me to my core and required me to rebuild myself from the ground up
He didn’t have to do anything for me to show up wholly in his presence. It was endearing and irritating in the same vein but I surrendered and took it like bitter medicine while opening up to the experience.
I was so used to controlling my emotions, how I felt and how I let people in. But he side stepped the moat to my castled heart and tunneled to depths as I cracked the walls to let him in.
I had found love, finally. I had been withholding it from myself the whole time.
Love is not what we think it is, we don’t have to create or earn it.
It’s the language of our soul and ever present.
Once we remove all the perceived noise and barriers, we can open up the unobstructed flow.
Love is the undercurrent of life itself, it’s the silent nudgings of intuition, the silken cords that bring those you’re meant to know and love in your life, it knows before your consciously know which direction to take.
People come along to touch these wounds, these hardened hearts to stir the energy, to help you release and let it go so you can move on.
It’s painful but if you can sit with your pain it can become the spark needed to ignite a fire in your heart as your burn away anything but love that flows back.
Your truth your fuel as you incinerate the past, opening up to the future beating in your heart.
Heart break can hurt like a mofo, but it can resurrect your slumbering heart and soul.
Be brave enough to heartbreak your own heart.