Return to Me: Letter to My Decade Younger Self
Posted on February 2, 2015
Dear 26 year old self,
You may want to sit down, I am. Better yet, go grab a glass of wine, I have my tea here as it’s early. I need to lay this down before I lose my nerve. Although as Cheryl Strayed shared, if your nerve fails you, go above your nerve. That women will spark a renaissance within you, along with others: Glennon Doyle Melton, Elizabeth Gilbert, Brene Brown, Cynthia Borgeault, Mary Magdalene, Anais Nin, Maya Angelou, your mom, your sisters, your friends… a Tribe of women. All here sharing wisdom and swapping stories, blessed be those that come together as truth tellers and warriors of love and light.
I want to share with you a few things you’ll encounter in the coming years. Take a sip of wine, better yet a good gulp. Alright, here we go dear one. Yes, you’ll note flowery words may flow from my lips, it’s okay. We’re embracing that side of us now. Don’t worry, don’t turtle-shell up, I got you! We got this!
You are just now embarking on your adult life. You’re armed with your degree, a wedding band and aspirations to finally put down some roots of your own. You’ll do this. So smile and soak that in. I hope you took that moment because I’m here to tell you that you’ll lose it all, like grains of sand flowing through splayed fingers. Experiences will splay you, that’s what happens when you let go, when you surrender to the life beating in your heart versus the one you’re living as a barrier to who you really are. Profound sadness will envelope you as you realize that somewhere while checking off the list you made for a happy life, you disconnected and lost yourself so completely that you’ll no longer recognize your smiling visage in the mirror. That smile is a lie, a masquerade and the grief that ensues in discovering such will unravel your carefully constructed image. Do not despair at this news as this brings surrender to the embrace of what holds you when you cannot hold yourself. Through grace and the alchemy of spirit you’ll lean into the art of being human, your fragile humanness is your strength. You’ll let go of old dreams only to find new ones sprouting, these little growths will shed light on the direction you’re to take. But like the North Star this is a navigation tool, not a destination. Through your love of story, you’ll open up and share these frayed aching pieces of self, when met with other souls’ love, empathy and similar aching frayed selves, you’ll see the same story woven through us all, the story of humanity. This will help you with your becoming as you gradually begin to shine whole, a luminescent sphere of potential. You’ll experience profound joy, you’ll fall in love again and experience the freedom in being who you already are when you let yourself be. You’ll move through the fear of miscarrying again to the throws of motherhood, blessed with a beautiful little soul to share in this endless wake of today. You’ll realize that divorce isn’t a failure but a testament that you tried, you did your best and come through accepting that sometimes it just doesn’t work out and that happy endings aren’t guarantees especially when seeking outside of thee.
The mystical divine will kiss your third eye as your inner child, Lilia Faye will ask you to come play. You remember her, right? The faerie queen of our treasure trove childhood, the one within that believes in magic, in pink, in unicorns, fairytales and the tangible connection that we all share if we open ourselves up, inside out and feel what we truly deeply madly feel. You’ll begin weaving a story of angels, demons, the battle of light and dark in the shadowed world. You’ll meet a man, and oooooh what a man, who will further stir your becoming. Don’t hold tight. What am I saying? You did hold tight, but that’s okay. That’s you being you and learning about yourself in being perfectly imperfect. His touch will quench the longing to be the woman you know you can be if you set fear, shame and judgement aside. Your conscious love will whisper a story, Anachel, and lead you further into another Once Upon a Time that you, at 36 years, will realize it can be a reality, eventually. You but need to breathe, show up and go with the flow taking it all in as no feeling is final. You will lose contact with this man, life’s a balance of holding on and letting go and you must let him go. You’ll fight this as you suck at letting go. I don’t mean that as a judgement but something I’ve learned well in the passed 10 years; the need to let go of what doesn’t serve anymore so as to open space for what is to come. Love will always tie your hearts and that connection is evident in the story you’re telling just as much as the one you’re still living.
You’ll move through the heartache of letting go of the old self as we grow into new skin. There will be growing pains, tears and new found fears. But you’ll cope with the throws of singledom and owning your own home all the while finding your way in the dark. The ability to ask for help will feel uncomfortable but you’ll learn there are many to help see you through, whether dealing with a mossy roof, how to unlock your bathroom door or remembering garbage days. The universe will send you what you need, it’s not necessarily what you want but it is always what is best.
I hope you brought the bottle of wine and ditched the glass ;) Take a slug. One more for brevity.
I wanted to include a picture of your beautiful self, but the you at 26 won’t allow such compliment. You’ve avoided pictures for the better part of your life because you didn’t like the reflection. The truth of how you feel would stare you back and that was just too much. It’ll take a few moments in time to finally reach a tipping point. You’ll write a few poems, you’ll love yourself completely again, but sometimes you have to lose yourself to find yourself again. You’ll gain footing and plant new roots. And in the moments right before turning 36 you’ll begin working on your wings. You can have roots and wings, dear one, it doesn’t have to be one or the other. You’ll finally fill the dozens of journals you’ve carted through 4 states. You’ll blog and reach out with your flax-golden tales to share these experiences and finally realize you are not alone. We are not alone. This quest is the what Joseph Campbell has termed the Hero’s Journey. The thing is, his compendium includes only men. You, and other women, are standing up and sharing your Heroine’s Journey. The feminine spirit is flowing strong as we begin to correct injustices with our empathic intuitive hearts. It’s not a weakness but one of the greatest strengths infusing the universe. You’ll grow into your womanhood and feminine ways. You’ll finally realize you’re not responsible for others’ reactions, only your own. You’ll learn to hold space with others rather than try and fix them. You’ll reach through your fragile humanness and connect in the human spirit that shines in each one of us no matter the circumstance.
I want you to know, above all else, you are loved deeply and truthfully for who you are. You matter! Your voice and direction will come, you’ll know when it’s time to come alive…
I’m here to tell you that at 36, that time is now. You’re no longer a broken winged dove but you’re soaring high in the starry sky and the rainbow is coming forth from your mouth. You haven’t met you yet, but I have and I must say I’m filled with gratitude that we are finally whole as we continue to return to our oneself again and again and again.
May you find prayers and blessings in each sunrise and live into the answers with each sunset. I’m here and I see you dear one, this blessed breath of life is living through you.