She Knew That This Was Just The Beginning
Posted on March 28, 2014
We want to sing, write poetry or novels, and climb mountains, but all our failures, our un-lived dreams just feed these demons. They scratch our eyes, they burn us with reality, the reality that I will always be unhappy no matter how wide I smile. That we lie to ourselves and those around us. While inside we cry out for Love, for Affection, for Attention. These demons scream at us when we want tranquility. They tickle us with the notion that just maybe today I’ll go through without feeling everything rip me to shreds. ~ excerpt from my journal 2.3.1998
I’ve often alluded to my
breakdown spiritual awakening. Within a span of a few years I became a mother, changed my career path, began writing Glow, divorced, discovered abilities I suppressed most of my life, and met amazing people who helped see me through the unsettling moments. I had arrived at a point in my life where I couldn’t hide anymore.
The wax and wane
of this muddled existence
has left me feeling next to ZERO
move along zombie
why do you fight
this merciless deduction
Blond highlights and CHANEL check
I’m running on empty
only to find myself stalled
at the threshold of happily ever after
forever on the outside looking in
unwilling, unsure of how to begin…
I was sleep-walking through life, wandering and lost. One day, the veil lifted waking me up. And I was terrified. Nothing prepared me for the fall out; the million little pieces of shattered self I was left with. All that I was didn’t fit anymore, I had to put myself back together, piece by piece, to become all that I am, as I am, to be.
My true self.
I am a puzzle, many pieces make up me, only I put them together, like one and two and three.
I am a storyteller with heaven’s kiss awakening my third eye, a poet under the starry starry sky, a hopeful romantic, one who summits peaks, one who glows embracing my perfect imperfections as the cracks let my light out. The vein of gold that is the truth of me.
Be your self, your true self. No matter what obstacles lie in your path. You’ll find you flow around those who dismiss your truths and into the arms of those who have been waiting for them. Loved finds love, even when met with opposition. ~Ames
The moment I listened in and began writing Glow, is the moment I irrevocably changed the trajectory of my life. It has not been easy, but answering the call was simple. I sit here, with a dozen or so filled notebooks that are ready to be woven together. I won’t let the weight of a thousand dreams pull me down, but I’ll set them free, word by word.
Dreams aren’t realities unless we make them so.
It can be scary reaching for one’s dreams, but really, what does one have to lose? A palliative care nurse chronicled the 5 regrets of the dying. They are as follows:
- I wish I had the courage to live the life true to me, not the life expected of me.
- I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
- I wish I had the courage to express my feelings
- I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
- I wish I had let myself be happier
You are the catalyst for your own happiness. Each and everyone of us is facing mortality, I don’t mention this to cause panic or be macabre, but the truth is every day is a day closer to death. And you don’t know when or how it’ll all end. So why not live the life true to you? It takes knowing you, but then, you are you and you will find your way. Lean into discomfort as growth is typically tandem, embrace change for the fruits of life are not without and allow joy to glow without worry or fear with what the next moment may bring. There are no necessary items to be checked off a happiness to-do list, just the willingness to let go, and be. Even if but for a moment in time. Be happy. Be you. Be free.
Gratitude is the key, Grace the path and Love the call. There is no need for regret, as regrets are expectations of the now placed on what was then. There only is. And that is the ability to do things differently, to forage a new path. Chances are you already know what that is.
I set all my regrets of fire, ’cause I knew I’d never take the time, to unpack my missteps…
May you find blessings in each sunrise and wishes answered with each sunset. May you GLOW with all that you already are, when you let yourself be.