Two years ago I ended a 12-year relationship after 7 years of marriage. The big D. This will likely be the only time I openly talk about such, marriage and divorce, as the path between the two is between the two. While I knew it was needed, that fact didn’t prepare me for the feeling of loss; as if a part of myself was excised resulting in phantom limb pain, except it was another person missing. I’ve never experienced how labels can feel like an inherent negative connotation until the word “divorcee” rolled off my tongue when describing myself. One little word lends to so much interpretation. Failure. Giving up. Quitting. Not loving enough. Not being enough. Divorce means at one point I was married, in a blessed union of body, heart, and soul. The difficulty being that a stack of papers notarized and filed at the courthouse doesn’t speak to what it actually feels like, nor the amount of time it takes to extricate oneself from that union to be one and hopefully, eventually, be one with oneself.  I don’t view divorce in the same manner as I did before I was married, when I was married, or even right after the dissolution of my marriage. Living through divorce has opened my eyes to the myriad of reasons “why”, a spectrum of positive and negative for which there is no net result other than change, no absolute wrong or right, just what is. I know the woman looking back at me in the mirror had to go through such, to be who she is today. And who she is today, is whole, finally whole.

 

“She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful.”  ~Terri St. Cloud

 

Finally Whole

Finally Whole

I don’t desire a relationship shelter

I don’t put my happiness in another’s hands anymore

I don’t look for a missing piece as I complete myself

I’m whole and not looking for a half

Or being a half for another to feel whole

Someone will be with me because that’s where he wants to be

And rather than look endlessly into each others’ eyes

We’ll be side by side looking in the same direction.

Hearts and rhinestones

 

The Lotus

Wherever you are 

Whenever you are

Whatever you are

I feel you stirring deep in me

To finally quench a longing 

Of this woman I am to be

For wherever you are

Whenever you are

Whatever you are

Your love has helped me see

It’s beautiful to bloom and open

Revealing the lotus inside of me.

About a year ago I stumbled upon a featured blog on the Word Press Freshly Pressed page, the title “What Did You Give Up, To Get What You Got?” caught my attention. In my reply I found myself detailing my poem Zombie, the fact that I had checked off a list that I thought would be the path to joy, a fulfilled life with me at the core, centered in who I am. Boy, was I wrong. The list I checked off, when re-evaluated, truly didn’t fuel who I am or any joy that I was desperately needing as I had been running on empty for so long. In truth, I gave up the lies I told myself in what was true about how I felt and what I wanted in life; once I stopped buying into those stories I was able to return to the living story unfolding within me, finding the truth shining brightly as I navigate this new life chapter. I always knew the way, I just took a few side trips that have given me compassion, perspective and empathy for the plight, the fight, the love, and the light we all go through in this journey called life. As my recently passed spiritual mentor would say…

“Living is a set of experiences, Life is what you do with them” ~Lou Cruz

signaturesmall

 

 

 

 

 

{I adore this song, and Emeli Sandé is amazingly talented}