Yes, it’s true. I’m over the hill, well, this blog is over the hill. With over 40 posts I have to admit I’m quite proud. Coming from the woman who still has her first ever writing book “Writing Down the Bones” by Natalie Goldberg with the inscription on the front page instructing me to “go to an office store and buy a fountain pen”. For which I did purchase a purple disposable Varsity version and still did not get passed a few pages of writing. I have the two journals and a few notebooks, most with poetry or sporadic realizations that never took root until now. The same resting sites of my young adolescent insights are helping me close the past to move forward, to remember and let go of the wrongs and wrong-doings that often linger.

 

Put a bird on it! Haha, sorry I have weird humor. But this is really old, like 17 years old added to 17 at the time hmmm, interesting, exactly half my age.

But all that’s changed now. I’m old-er, I’m wiser, I’m over-the-blog-writing-hill as I’ve written 43 published posts; with many more unpolished gems rattling around my head. I’ve filled about 5 notebooks for The Glow Trilogy; the jumping point for pages upon pages of the fleshed out young adult novel, Glow, on my Mac while Glimmer exists as an outline with the spine of the story pulling me through. I have conquered a dozen or so of the journals I collected over the decade in my checked-out-disconnected life. I previously belonged to an experience site for which I wrote over a 100 stories, little seeds that often bloom into a renaissance retelling here as a blog post and then others that have helped me weave the story of my life as I live it. With all this writing spanning about 3 years, I feel a bit of the reverb but continue on, pausing to look back and marveling at how much change can reveal itself a trio of years and yet, some things never change.

 

The unchanging aspect for me, is that every blank page; every white screen is met with resistance. With me wondering “Can I do it? Can I fill it with words, wonderfully strung phrases that not only express but weave a story, lending the one reading the ability to allow the words to open up like tiny blooms breathing life into the captive tale, a whole new world alive in one’s mind? Eternally…can I?” The real question not being can I, but will I sit down and do it. Because I can and I have many times, so why would it stop now? Why would my words fail me? The reality being me failing the words, failing to show up, to sit down, to settle my mind and let it flow, from where exactly I surely do not know, but it does faithfully, so it’s up to me, to keep the faith; the confidence in myself to just do slay it.

 

Me slaying the resistance dragon!

 

It can be hard taking those leaps of faith to begin our creative endeavors as they are symbolic representations of what we see, feel, hear, believe, think, and live through. We then unabashedly create and share the deeper untamed parts of ourselves feeling a bit exposed much like walking naked among one another on the streets.

 

And many do this over and over again, because… I like it, because it’s a little glimmer of hope in the life I created and then decided I was far too down the path of not doing what I felt but what I “ought to do”, “should do”, or “too afraid to do”.

 

I’m not afraid and honestly am not looking for acceptance in my writing of what has happened or what is yet to be. I write to write, I don’t write what others want to read as I have no idea really about that, but I write for the things others may not realize they want to read until happening along this site whether chance or design. I’m more than my form, even the substance of these words transcends what I want to share, in the form I use. But we work with what we got and words are what I do ;)

 

Recent interaction on my blog has shown me that while I enjoy revealing little excerpts of a world I adore, the world of Glow. The biggest thing I’d like to share is how I began that path and how I have continued, the little nudgings that felt right but made no sense {resonance}, the changes that have me shaking my head in wonder and curiosity at the universe. Then I calm down realizing that I’m not on the other side of this yet, it’s too soon to discern if “I agree”, not that the universe is looking for my agreement, but hey, it helps {me} while I’m guided along.

 

I’m single now with a little girl, my time a scarce resource as I own a home, have a weimaraner and a full-time job that fulfills my intellectual side, however, my creative side has withered over the years from neglect, only to finally be nurtured after seeing the name of two characters I wrote in my journal for Glow, mere minutes later on the television screen.

 

Does that make sense? Nope, but it happened and I followed it, like Alice chasing the rabbit, I entered the rabbit hole and haven’t stopped my journey since.

 

Sometimes you just have to fly-by-the-seat-of your-pants-naked trusting in yourself and see where you land. Most anything done, can be undone and you can always change your mind (well there are certain exceptions, tattoos come to mind), but at least you’ll know, no matter what happens, that you took a leap of faith, lassoed the stars passing you by and caught the moon instead and wherever the light leads isn’t really the point, but you living through it is.

 

How about you? Are their any creative endeavors you find yourself met with resistance when you sit down to “just do it”? Are there any dragons needing to be slain on your journey?

 

signaturesmall

 

 

Feeler

~by me

I am a feeler
One who feels
Smiles, laughs, and loves
Lucky to have found one to love
Eternally, with all my heart
I am an achiever
One who achieves
But when do you stop achieving
And start living, breathing life into what you have
I’m ready to be happy, ready to run free
Rich with experiences shaping me

A life complete.

Quiet lamenting no more,
I’ve let the past dictate the present
Holding on to the wrongs, the wrongdoings
No more tormenting me, fly free
Don’t come around, you’re not a part of me,
For I am a feeler, one who feels
the future as it’s meant to be