My Renaissance Life
Posted on May 25, 2012
My Renaissance Life is about renewal, rebirth, a new beginning. It’s about connecting back into myself, a story of love, enjoying sunshine for dinner and looking up feeling the sky upon your face, being open to all the universe sends my way. It’s about running the hills, about seeing my smile as more than a passive reflection in the mirror but a feeling sprouting from within. It’s about writing unabashedly uncensored the fancy words that flow from the tip of my tongue to the pads of my fingertips forever expressing here in this moment. It is about change; the snowflake patterned expression of my soul through self. This is about being aware of that deeper self, being perfectly imperfect, being present and mindful.
This is not about the 14th century revival of arts and literature; this about this moment NOW. It’s not about wigs or corsets, rather it is taking off the emotional cocoon we wrap ourselves in to survive. My main intention is not to get you to think more, but to step out of your head and into your heart. To feel, to connect to your truth, your being; to see, feel, taste, hear and sense intuitively all that whispers to you. The gentle nudging to dream, dream BIG and then reach for it. Spurring you along to not stop until you feel the roots in your heart and wings unfurling taking you on the greatest ride, a renaissance flight.
This is for my 8-year-old self perpetually looking to the world in a fancy tulle dress and mask, safely up the tree firmly planted on the ladder of choices created by me. This is for my 18-year-old self who couldn’t find home, and when she finally went back to the same street, same house, same room, she felt she didn’t belong. This is for my 25-year-old self that married for the all the “right” reasons that ended up feeling so wrong. This is for my 28-year-old self that realized the disconnected zombie-like state I was in but too scared to face that truth. This is for my 30-year-old self in becoming a mother. This is for my 31-year-old self who finally sat down and connected, picked up a pen and began Glow and hasn’t stopped writing since; the I am that listened to my silent, reflective knowing self and realized I was not living my inner dreams. I wanted to write, I wanted to live mindful and connected, I wanted to bathe my daughter in the love I felt from the moment she was laid upon my chest; the moment I believed in pink again, the pink feminine-intuitive-caring-knowing-creative-being that comprises part of me and when connected, I am whole. This is for the lion, for the lioness, for girls like me.
This is for crawling comforted in your contented discontent until you drop the cocoon becoming the beautiful butterfly transformed, emerging from the darkness glowing from the light that you are. Everything you take in delight, every sunny insight, every starry night, a renaissance flight.
This is for dresses that fly, taking off the mask and loving who you are no matter how perfectly imperfect. This is for conquering fears, the greatest fear stepping from the shadows into sight, shining in who we are [who I am].
Our Deepest Fear ~by Marianne Williamson
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world, There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some; it is in everyone. And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give other people to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
We are all mirrors, we’re not here to see through others, like transparent films flapping in the wind, but reflections to help see us through this endless wake of today. Before you see the reflection you first have to see yourself, truthfully, the good, the bad, the ugly…then stare down anything but love that surfaces in what you see. In January 2006 I surprised myself with writing a poem late in the night at the dining room table. I was married and had just began my career. I was unable to sleep and found myself almost hypnotically letting the words flow, only when I stepped back and read I was a bit disconcerted, worried, and perplexed as what I had just let flow was not something I would want to share let alone acknowledge as a truth I was unwilling to face. So I saved the poem and went about my Zombie life.
The wax and wane
Of this muddled existence
Has left me feeling next to ZERO
Move along zombie
Why do you fight
This merciless deduction
Blonde highlights and CHANEL, check
I’m running on empty
Only to find myself stalled
At the threshold of happily ever after
Forever on the outside looking in
Unwilling, unsure of how to begin…
While writing Glow was one aspect to beginning the happiness I sought, my daughter, Mars, was the beginning of me connecting back in. She was the first phase of self-realization that the above [Zombie] was how I truly felt. You have to be honest with yourself before you can be truly honest with anyone else. I opened up my heart to her, I realized I had been disconnected from my feelings for far too long. She was a catalyst that shook me to my core, letting me know that this life was not meant to be lived through zombie eyes, through a protected heart. She is a bright soul in my life and I’m eternally grateful for her little mirror reflecting back a part of myself I had forgotten existed. She is the embodiment of love, of life, of enjoying every moment whether it’s jumping into the deep end of the swimming pool, asking for sunshine for dinner, feeling the sky with her face to see if it was raining, to giggling uncontrollably, content, full of life, happy.
My renaissance life believes in Mars, believes in me, believes in pink, in crossing the thresholds that hold us back, finding my happy, and seeing the miracle in each new day. It is for smiling, smelling the flower, feeling the warmth, opening to love, opening to live, enjoying all around and what it has to give.
This is for going deep and finding that home isn’t a brick nor building but a feeling, like settling into a warm embrace, no longer wandering aimlessly but free. Once I committed to unearthing me, the universe became my guide. I but needed to find resonance in myself, using my abilities to intuitively find my way.
I am the restless wanderer
Ever searching for a home
But until I find that place
There are worlds for me to roam
I know not where I’m going
Or where I plan to be
But as sure as the sun shall rise
I’ll follow the path in front of me
I live for my Self
For the moons my closest friend
The stars are there to guide me
Until my time will end
Yet I hope to find great love
That will fill my lonely heart
And a place that warms my soul
So much, that I’d die to part
Please don’t shed a tear for me
For like the words of this poem
One day my search will end
At a place I’ll call home …
… I’ve found my home
Where ever I go it’s with me
For my soul is the feeling
And my heart the key
The last four lines of the above poem have only been recently added as I originally wrote “Wanderer” in High School. Many of the questions, musings and wonderings of my younger selves have been answered as I find myself living into them. I had always been interested in spirituality, in writing, in being fearless but then I think sometimes when we feel so much we do not understand, when certain events begin and we are not prepared, we turn the other way. I know I did. I have many poems and journal entries describing the void I felt as a result of not acknowledging a part of me. When my life opened up, when I started to write then live into meeting the symbolic characters I wrote of in Glow I realized there is so much more to this reality. My experiences that unfolded, “extra” ordinary as some will call them [psychic knowing, feeling another across perceived distances of time and space, seeing an angel in the sky], did not leave me feeling comforted like “Woohoo! Look at you, you won the lottery in getting to have some of those answers you were looking for in your teens!” I was 31 and not asking them anymore. But as a seeker one faces the uncertainty of the unknown and often events in life happen out of chronological order, only when you go back do you understand the significance, the meaning. Little did I know someone was taking notes and then all of a sudden the simple act of listening in and sitting down to write as my dream had caught me, set me on a collision course with my perfect little package of self and the reality it contained. We know what we need to know when we know it. Home and my connected former self were something needing to be lost to be found again, and when found…whole.
This is for my 34-year-old self, looking at you viewing the world through a lens of love, knowing the love I am, becoming the woman I am and have always been destined to be. I’m here in the present connecting my soul, writing and sharing for all to feel my Glow and the life story that has unfolded within me.