The Voice Within, Dream Catch Me
Posted on February 12, 2012
Dreamweaver, can you weave me a dream, one that’s rich in experience the tapestry of this life meant for me… Dreamweaver I do not understand, what has happened to my dream I cannot hold it in my hand… silly child dreams are not seen for it lives within you and only you may set it free…” ~by me
I ended the workweek with a Thai massage to get the kinks-n-coils out, followed by Pho (pronounced fu for which my mind instantly goes to “what the fu” and yes my mind has moments of immaturity for which I embrace and move on) and then a cocktail “The Whipped Russian” (don’t even ask where my mind is wandering with that one, lol) with a dear friend of mine who knows of my mind and can only chuckle knowing that is but one facet I express. Anyway, back to the matter at hand, this blog topic. I have to admit after sharing my “Sweetie” blog and getting much appreciated support from friends, I felt a little guilty as while the last few years (and more recent months with changes in my time with my daughter) have been painful, they have been needed as change is not easy for a creature of habit, one who has mindsets as old as those who have been passing them down generation after generation and our genealogy is quite long. This topic has been with me for a while now. I’ve written it and rewritten it in my head while walking at the dog park, while on my elliptical or driving as my active/thinking mind is occupied and the other mind the one that knows and feels it’s way onto this stage called life, takes the center.
I am my own example with this, this answering the voice within letting the dream that has caught me spin into an expression of this life as I continue my path for the only thin permanent is change, every thing else is temporary. It is best illustrated by why I’m here, blogging/sharing my life with you, why I finally picked up the pen to write “Glow” answering the silent voice within that was nudging me alone to go for my dreams, this unfolding of self resulting in my writing of my experiences in “Anachel”. Dreams aren’t realities unless we make them so… but it’s not just about a dream, a want or desire of singularity but one more about wholeness. The wholeness that I am; about the expression of self, in that one peels away all one thinks of as self to find ones true self… and then live from that wellspring of being.
“I am a woman, a little girl, I’m the softness of my locks, I’m the curve of my hips, my dimples when I smile, the creases forming around my eyes from smiling so much, I am the stretch in my muscles as I dance, I am the dance and the dance me, I’m a mother, I’m a divorcee, I’m a clinical pharmacist, I’m an aspiring writer, I’m a divine feminine promoter, I’m love and light, I am spirit in physicality, I’m a crystalline tear and the flutter of laughter, I’m the blush that slowly spreads when I’m embarrassed, I am a special kind of pretty, I’m empathic, I’m psychic, I’m a bright constellation of my hopes and dreams, I’m a wisher, a prayer, I’m a storyteller as I weave my golden tales … I am water, my mass, DNA and RNA, cytoplasm, tissues, organs and cells, I am my atoms, I am the space between, I am my aura/my emotions/my thoughts, I am the byproduct of my soul’s expression.. and as I navigate my path, just like the keys of this laptop shall be forever imprinted with my fingertips, my unique expression.. so too is this special being imprinted with the snow flake pattern of my soul… unfolding as I speak, type, think and express…” ~by me
Opening myself up to writing, a passion I’ve always held dear to my heart but never acted upon, resulted in me opening up to myself, my oneself or spiritself as you’ll hear me use. It resulted in a cascade of events that have helped me reach for the now in this endless wake of today. There is a quote from “Eat Pray Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert that is a good springboard for me to use:
“In the end, I’ve come to believe in something I call “The Physics of the Quest.” A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this: If you’re brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you. “
I began my quest in September of 2009, I started a new job as well as began to write Glow. It’s an endless journey but there are jump starts and as my desire is to write I’m here to share what I’ve found, what I’m still seeking, what resonates, what I’ve let go. In the realm of spirit and that of expression in physicality I went down the rabbit hole, lost some footing to find true ground, the foundation of self as I’m designed to be. We all are here to help others through as we navigate our own journeys, our own quests. This rabbit hole is full of many twists and turns, many versions of Truth, many beliefs, many thoughts, many feelings… I plan on sharing this as well. From my own smooth transitions and growth, to the growing pains, the tears and frustration, my own staccato between old self and new self.
“Difference is not indicative of change; change is the unfolding of self, revealed through the snowflake-patterned expression of ones soul.” ~by me
In Glow I was to pen “characters” who have entered my life. I’ve already introduced two (Skyler/Mikael and Gracon/Elijah) and will introduce more as well as write about how they have been messengers to help me along my way as I leave the past behind. My dream caught me but as I looked back, tracing the breadcrumbs my younger self left me, it’s been with me all along just waiting for the moment I was aware and ready. That moment is now and I’m thankful for this opportunity to have another chance at life, the life meant for me.
“I feel part of the universe open up to meet me, my emotion so submerged, broken down to kneel in, once listening the voices they came, had to greet myself, read myself, heard vibrations within my cells, in my cells, singing Ah-la-ah-ah, ah-la-ah-ah…” ~Eddie Vedder”
A lil bit from GLOW:
(This is a continuation of the story after Lux, Skyler and Celeste leave their house for the Halloween Carnival at Central West High School, the previous GLOW excerpt I shared.)
As Celeste flies into the school parking lot the 4runner is barely able to stop before bumping into the curb. Looking at the school covered in Halloween decorations; Styrofoam tombstones, fog unfurling like talons reaching out grasping for the students walking through the front doors and cobwebs with large rubber spiders hanging from the gutters; it’s as if the building has a life of it’s own. It pulses with it’s own vibration, huh-from the base booming inside? I blink my eyes; it’s not possible for the brick to move that way even if the music is very loud. I feel an uneasy settling in my stomach; my intuition indicating that this night is going to be more than I bargained for. Despite the dark atmosphere for the school tonight, I’m reminded of it’s beginning as a catholic high school. There’s still a white cross in the front of the gymnasium wall, but most don’t notice it. Like a faded symbol no longer glorifying the legacy of this building but a mere remembrance of years long gone.
“Come on Lux, we better get inside.” Says Celeste interrupting my reverie. “I need to go find the other Cadettes.” Being taller her stride easily places her a few paces ahead of me. Fortunately Skyler has stayed by my side. We walk in a marching rhythm, that’s how it is with us, so comfortable from eons of being friends in Erelim.
“Are you ok Lux?” Skyler worriedly asks. He just looks me over with those same crystal blue eyes so intense and the usual concern about my safety and me.
“Yeah, I’m ok. I just have a queasy feeling in my stomach. Must be from all the fog. I’ll be fine. I know you have to go man the jail.” I smile to try and emphasize that I’m ok. Only I’m not so sure as I got the feeling far before ever getting close to the fog. But it doesn’t make sense, this is the type of feeling I get around dark energies. Must be the festivities of Halloween interfering with my intuition. These are only students dressed to look like supernatural beings, even the dark spirited ones. As we walk through the front doors I’m immediately am hit with a wave of dizziness. I feel weightless as the sensation of falling envelopes me before I’m unable to transmute.
“It’s ok Lux, I got you.” Skyler softly yet confidently whispers in my ear. And he does. His muscular arms are holding me mere inches from the ground. He slowly pulls me up towards him and into his chest. I hear sighs from the students surrounding us as well as their curiosity about what is happening.
“Lux, what happened?” Celeste inquires as if reading the minds of the students around us. Looking at me quizzically, knowing I don’t like to draw attention to myself. Only now all the students in the foyer have their eyes glued to Skyler and I locked in an embrace. I imagine the site is like something from a play, leather clad gladiator and angelic damsel in distress. Hmmm, maybe I could just sweep my forearm across my forehead and pretend this was all part of a grand entrance. Sklyer looks at me with a slow grin as I articulated that thought to him. Sometimes it’s such a gift to be able to communicate telepathically.
“I’m not sure Celeste. Something just came over me and I felt so dizzy…I must have passed out and how lucky am I to have this wonderful gladiator so near to SAVE ME.” I say this quite loud and chuckle for effect hoping the students will buy my little act. Celeste just continues to look at me not realizing what is happening, as I don’t pass out or play things up. I just don’t want all the attention on me especially because my reaction was real when entering the school. This has me worried as I may look like a delicate angel…but I’m not. Given my extensive scrolls I’m quite the opposite, created for spiritual warfare and more importantly the ability to stop almost anything in their tracks. That isn’t the workings of the more faint hearted guardian angels.
“Ok, Lux…you are lucky,” she loudly replies catching on to our charade. “Well, I’m off to find the other Cadettes and that shouldn’t be too hard since we’re all cat women.” She turns quickly using her whip to accentuate her exit. So dramatic but typical Celeste especially because she is oblivious to the fact that all the male students seem transfixed by her. If I didn’t know better, I’d think she glamoured like faeries do to influence how humans “feel” around them.
“Lux, seriously…are you ok?” Skyler just looks at me his eyes pools of concern like I’m some delicate porcelain doll that needs extra care and labeled ‘fragile this end up’. Shaking my head as if to clear out the fog, weird as that’s exactly like how I feel now, as if there’s fog in my head…hmmmm, something is encroaching on my aura, I can feel the tendrils of dark energy testing the limits.
“I’m fine Skyler, just got caught off guard coming into the school. I think the fog got to me as well as all the creepy decorations, guess they’re doing their job.” I grin as best as I can and hope he’ll just drop it. The students are starting to get back mingling and I don’t want any more interaction between Skyler and I to continue the spectacle.
“Ok, I’m going to go find the jail, it looks like I’m a bit late as my shift started at 8. Better get a move on, take it easy Lux and I’m here if you need me!” He gives me a stern look and turns to leave but then looks back at me, giving me a softer, friendly look. The students part for him as he makes his way. Skyler has such an air of authority as if they know his ranking in the angelic realm.
“Shouldn’t be too hard Skyler, I’ll just follow the path of swooning girls.” I giggle knowing the attention will be lost on Skyler. He’s here on a mission and will not let anything interfere…least of all teenage girls. He just stares at me, his inner debate of stay and make sure I’m ok versus go do his athletic duty manning the jail with the other football players is practically written on his face.
“I’ll be ok Skyler, don’t worry. I mean how much trouble could I get into at a High School Carnival? Don’t answer, that is a rhetorical question.” I finish this with such an innocent tone that anyone not knowing of me would have no trouble turning around and getting on with things. However, Skyler knows me too well as I seem to find danger anywhere. Even in Erelim he always acted like MY guardian angel. The thought warms my heart, but still…who ever heard of an angel having a guardian angel, let alone a Dominion with my extensive scrolls having one. Doesn’t happen, as they’re reserved for humans. That’s why his actions are endearing but it a bit stifling too for he seems to forget that I can take care of myself quite well. Skyler just nods in response and walks away towards the entrance to the gymnasium. Cirque Du Spirit in large glittering letters suspended above the doorway catches my eye as he disappears through the fabric façade.
I turn around taking in the decorations again and cannot believe the work that went into transforming the entryway into a parlor of terror. Coffins line the far wall with black rubber bats and rats swarming the skeletons with beady crimson eyes gleaming from the nearby strobe light. This must be where the pictures take place. The stage set with large black twisted trees under a cobweb canopy littered with spiders suspended from their glowing bellies bouncing up and down as the fog swarms in around framing the backdrop with an unsettling mood. I shiver as the scene is actually giving me goose bumps. I’m perplexed at my reaction, as this is all just nonsense fun for effect. Only it something feels all too real. Turning I see that the cases usually holding the athletic trophies are covered with black plastic and decorated with symbols written in neon paint illuminated by the black lights almost like a display in an art gallery. The symbols look like ancient hieroglyphs but there’s something oddly familiar about them too. I’m still pondering the origin of the symbols when I hear my name.
“Lux, over here!” Leni calls out. Her trilling voice carrying over the music. Flanking her sides are Alexis and Harper. All three in witch costumes. I knew I should’ve been a witch!
“Hi, wow, I shouldn’t have changed my costume. I was going to dress like a witch too. Celeste wouldn’t have it and practically dressed me herself.” Gesturing to my costume, hair and makeup the shear genius of it all obviously not my own doing.
“You guys look great!” I exclaim. They looked amazing in Long black satin dresses with fitted bodices and cascading lace sleeves, green dusted faces, fishnets and silver buckled shoes their outfit finished off with pointy witches hats. The three of them look like a trio of witches ready for a night of brewing in black kettles and sacred spells. If I didn’t know these were my friends I could be a little worried as everyone knows that three of anything is a force to be reckoned with despite the fact that most think 4 are needed in witches spells as a sign of earth, wind, water, fire. But really, and celestially speaking, 3 is completion and a powerful number. Most angels incarnate in threes, like Celeste, Skyler and I. I chuckle as I can’t imagine these three being anything to be afraid of…well except the warts and knobby noses do lend a sentiment of frightfulness.
“Lux, the angel costume fits you so much better than a dusty old witch. You’re practically shimmering in the black lights. And your hair braided like that looks like a golden ribbed halo.” Alexis reaches up and very softly touches my braid almost as if she was expecting a halo.
“I definitely like having my frizzy hair under control for once! I just wish I thought about the black lights as I would’ve insisted on a different color of dress.” Looking down I feel a little self-conscious as the tulle ends up looking iridescent in the black lights appearing like a silken cocoon albeit a slightly transparent on. I’m pretty sure I can see the faint silhouette of my legs. This makes me shuffle nervously and the ankle boots make it next to impossible to feel stable anyway.
“Are you going to go into the carnival and check out the booths?” Asks Harper. She’s always so quiet but I like Harper as her aura is pure as a newborn soul. She radiates kindness.
“I figured I’d better head on in and see what this Cirque Du Spirit is all about. What a great name by the way. If the decorations and costumes are any indication, this should be fun.” Looking around there are so many realistic costumes. We are surrounded by gothic vampires in crushed velvet gowns or crisp black tuxes with tails; their gleaming white fangs, thanks to the black lights, sharp and poised as if ready to nibble on anyone’s neck, just for the fun of it. Flighty faeries and pixies with diaphanous wings streaked with fuchsia, chartreuse and turquoise wave their wands filled with glitter up high slowly releasing it as it swirls around catching the air current finally resting of the floor reflecting the lights above like stardust. Large Warlocks with grey capes clasped by pentagram charms, laugh boisterously at the sight of the smaller gnomes and elves mingling with the eclectic group. Wow, all the Supers are represented here…well except the werewolves, but that would be quite the costume. Supers is the name we use for supernatural beings in Erelim.
“Well, make sure you stop by the magicians booth as Gracon looks quite handsome in his costume!” Alexis smiles at me knowing I wouldn’t miss it for the world. And I’m glad she told me up front in a nonchalant way as I wouldn’t want to raise suspicion by asking the other students what booth Gracon is manning. I’ve tried to keep the knowledge of my interest in him to myself, Celeste and Alexis. If Skyler has any inclinations he hasn’t said anything to me. I wonder what his costume looks like; I suppose I’ll just have to find out not wanting to ask Alexis in front of Leni and Harper.
“Thanks Alexis, I’ll check it out. You know how I love magic. Who doesn’t like bunnies, card tricks and disappearing /reappearing flowers!” I hope to conceal my excitement in seeing him soon with the phrase about magic. It still amazes me how much I feel towards him, it’s like some magnetic force is drawing me to him. I’ve never felt this way before. It’s equal parts exhilarating and terrifying. I feel exposed by not knowing how he feels or if he even “sees” me other than his classmate. He’s so frustrating that way, suppressing his emotions. I normally wouldn’t have any trouble reading him as I’m empathic, but he seems to mute his emotions so that I’m left sensing constant control with the hints of deeper emotions bubbling below the cool-as-a-cucumber surface.
“We’re going to get our picture taken. Do you want to come with us first?” Leni asks. I would like to get a picture with the three witches, but my desire to see Gracon is too strong.
“As much as I’d love to be immortalized on film with three witches, I think I’ll head in and check it all out. Why don’t you guys meet me in there when you’re done?” I do hope they find me feeling a bit discomforted with the idea of strolling the carnival alone. There’s a strange energy here and I would love to have the company. Plus Celeste and Skyler will be busy all night with their obligations.
“See you in a bit. Don’t forget to check out DJ B2, he’s the bomb. He usually plays at all the school dances and really knows how to get the room booming with base.” Leni adds.
“I do love music with base, I’ll wander to his table too.” I give them a wave and head towards the gym doors. I see Celeste with the other Cadettes in their cat woman outfits; they’re garnering much attention. She catches my eye and nods towards the carnival, silently letting me know that it’s time I go in. I take a deep breath and walk through the glittering Cirque Du Spirit sign pushing through the fabric drapes keeping the foyer separate from the wonders within.
WOW! The gymnasium is transformed by one large circus like tent only the fabric is faded and dusty as if used for years. This only adds to the spooky effect of the night. Dotted with holes and tears and a large black light mirror ball hanging from the center. The space is divided into separate booths, three rows with a stage in the center. Each booth it’s own glittering name glowing from the black light. Midnight Realms Ring Toss, Treasures of the 7 Seas Darts, Legacy of the Ancients Basket Ball Challenge-going against the boys team dressed as Hercules, Apollo, Zeus, Posidon- armed with golden shields and broad swords; Gothic Nights Cupcake Walk is a booth made to look like a cemetery with everyone walking on numbered tombstones; Gypsy Corner, the only booth that is a tent instead of wooden framed booth, illuminated by hanging lanterns casting extra shadows in the walls and finally the Magicians Showcase and … Gracon. I take in a quick breath realizing he’s already spotted me. I feel his gaze pulling me in again the storm ever raging reflected in his eyes leaving me wonder if he’s thinking good thoughts or less flattering ones. Even in the dark atmosphere of the Cirque du Spirit, I can feel him take me in, slowly with a crease forming on his forehead like he’s trying to figure out a difficult puzzle. Only then do I realize that there are significantly more black lights in the tent as my costume is absolutely illuminated and even more transparent than I’m comfortable with. Oh boy, it’s too late to turn around now. As if right on queue the DJ B2 puts on a new track that draws even more attention to me…you are fever, you are fever, you ain’t born typical… I like the Kills, but I wouldn’t pick that as my entrance music, especially with my seemingly safe costume now more of a liability. All the potential actions I could make swirl in my head but I know that there is only one thing I can do, that I must do… or rather, that I have to do. I start walking towards Gracon, his eye still locked on mine, reeling me in like fishing line and I unknowing of the bait.
**********************************to be continued*********************************