Posted on February 8, 2012
“I believe in fairytales and serendipitous encounters, catch a tiger by the tail and make a wish, drink from the fountain…” Elizaveta “Dreamer”
I had another topic in mind, even had the title “The Voice Within, Dream Catch Me”, the content with quotes and examples from my life ready… but that will have to wait. While putting my little girl to bed tonight I was struck that some of the simplest moments in my life have the most depth, the most profound impact and if I’m too busy [unmindful] they can go unnoticed.
“There is more depth in a single moment than that of the future” ~Rabia
One of these for me is picking up my slumbering daughter to carry her to her bed. Tonight she was so tired and fell asleep on the couch; I noted the even breathing and lack of giggling, so I took her into my arms making our way up stairs. In the beginning it’s like carrying a rag doll until she curls in, her head nestling in my neck and her little arm wrapping around to hold onto the other side of my neck. She’s warm, serene and looks like a little cherub with her golden spiral locks. Yes, she’s asleep and one could say an easy one to savor, but her feeling me even if subconscious the nestling into me is pure, loving and a part of nature, the bond of a child and the parent.
I recently shared a blog with family and friends about one mother’s confession that she does not LOVE every moment in being a mother. SHOCKING I know, lol. Well…I feel many mothers will relate (fathers too). The thing is, I feel some think somehow admitting such lessens the love you feel for your child. Which is BS. For me, no I don’t love every moment, but the collection of moments I hold dear to my heart, the ones I make a point of savoring and locking away in the depths of my mind, the recesses of my memory, are many of those with my daughter. The successes of being a mother, of being with my daughter fully, of her little being reflecting back to me…as we navigate this endless wake of today together.
It’s not easy parenting but that ‘s where we’re lucky as there are many who can relate [commiserate and swap stories] and those that cannot we can live vicariously through their adventures…then retreat back into nights like this and put our little sweeties to bed (then proceed to write, enjoy a glass of wine and listen to music).
Doing Great Things ~by me
Anyone thinking being a parent is easy isn’t a parent
Anyone who thinks a parent believes they’re perfect isn’t a parent
Children are like tiny mirrors reflecting all the good, the bad and potentially the ugly
But the blessing is in realizing that while you are fallible
As long as you hold the image of your self in your child and the child in yourself
You’ll never lose sight of the Beings
For this little soul is with me here in this endless wake of today
There WILL be tickle sessions, tea parties, trying to put necklaces on the 70lb Weimaraner… our protector
There WILL be quiet times, tears, and owies…
But through it all we’re family and that LOVE is stronger than anything
That bond can transcend the sands of time.
Yeah… we’re all meant for great things and to me the greatest thing I’m doing
Is being a mother to my little daughter
Being a mother includes all the moments, not just the happy, LOVING ones, but it is those that give us the fuel to charge on, unknowingly but intuitively as we feel our way and lean on those who can relate.
Now, I’ve shared how I’m recently divorced and I’m not going to dance around that subject and how it relates to my little girl. Divorce is not easy and I’m fortunate to have an amicable one. It takes two to want that/work for that, honesty a must and the belief that what happened in the past isn’t more important than the future of our daughter. It sucks that my little sweetie is gone half the week. To say that part of myself is dying is perhaps a bit of hyperbole, but still, a part of me is missing. While I know she’ll be back in a few days and that these days “off” are for me to catch up…chores, errands, sleep… to term them “off” is correct.
I burn the days when I’m by myself, well I work for many of them…but really, regardless of all the difficulties in parenting I would give anything to have a frustrated little girl, or one dying to put on lip gloss shouting “I don’t EVER get to do ANYTHING” when I say no. Than the silence… even with music cutting the distance between. I don’t mean to be a downward spiral, but this is honesty. This is needed, the sharing… of how it feels to be a mother, a single mother at that, one who knows that all the moments aren’t happy bliss…but there’s something worse than not all the moments being happy bliss and that is not having ANY moments, missing out on them [well half of them]. Entirely.
I have never been the glass-half-empty type, I don’t know why as life has given me many opportunities to look to the world through such a view, but I do not. So the glass-half-full will also express that the moments we have are complete as she has her maman fully connected (even if its frustration) with her. She reminds me of all that is hopeful in the world, the possibilities of living in the moment. Because that’s what children do (until age 4-5), all their actions stem from pure joy, love and expression of such; from dancing, singing silly, wanting sunshine for dinner, plucking the rose from the bush before realizing what a thorn is and that it may hurt, or running fast in the opposite direction of you, the parent. They’re not “thinking” but doing and being. We, the adults, and much like how we were raised, then break this expression by impinging our beliefs and thoughts about such. While some is needed to grow and be a part of society, it’s also society that needs to find the inner child, the inner joy resulting in bursts of pure expression or happiness, that has been muted into a glimmer. Children do not lament of the past nor do they long for the future. They’re in the moment always.
My own daughter shows this and it’s a delight to be around her. She reminds me to be in the moment when she’s here and in the moment when she’s not, for to lament of what is not to be in that moment, place expectations from the past or into the future…will only lead to suffering, to a glass-half-empty perspective. The key or finding that happiness, the LOVING described lies in the moment, and being in that moment and not any other…no thinking just feeling and being.
Be a rag doll, then curl in and it’s okay to use another arm to steady yourself as you make your way feeling the moment. We all have a sweetie, maybe even a few…and we’re lucky but it’s also fine to not have ALL moments loved. Take the ones you can and call it a day (or drink a glass of wine and then call it a day ;)