She Happily Set Her Heart Free

“After all that-she was surprised to find that she still knew the words to the song in her heart…and she began to sing along (She happily set her heart free).” ~Curly Girl Designs

In January 2006 I surprised myself with writing a poem late in the night at dining room table. I was married at the time and had just started a new job here in Oregon. I was unable to sleep and found myself almost hypnotically letting the words come, only when I stepped back to read I was a bit disconcerted, worried, perplexed as what I had just let flow was not something I would want to share let alone acknowledge as some truth I was unwilling to face. So I saved the poem and went on with “life”.  Here’s the poem:

Zombie 

~By me

 The wax and wane

Of this muddled existence

Has left me feeling next to ZERO

 Move along zombie

Why do you fight

This merciless deduction

Married check

Degree check

House check

Dog check

Blond highlights and CHANEL check

 I’m running on empty

Only to find myself stalled

At the threshold of happily ever after

Forever on the outside looking in

Unwilling, unsure of how to begin…

I’ve previously shared the whispering within resulting in a story that wouldn’t stop nudging me to write, until I finally did begin. I’ve introduced Lux and Grayson, the two main characters in Glow.  While that was one facet helping in myself waking up and connecting again, the birth of my daughter was the first phase of my self-realization that the above [Zombie] was how I truly felt. In opening up my heart to her, I realized I had been disconnected from my feelings for far too long. She was a catalyst that shook me to the core, letting me know that this life is not meant to be lived through zombie eyes, through a protected heart. She is a light in my life that I’m eternally grateful for. A little mirror reflecting back a part of myself I had forgotten existed. She is the embodiment of love, of life, of enjoying every moment whether it’s jumping off the deep end into the pool, reminding me to take the time to enjoy sunshine (well, she actually wanted it for dinner one night, lol), catching snowflakes on her tongue or giggling uncontrollably as we tickle each other. She makes me smile from the depths of my heart and soul. I’ll get back to her later as she inspires my many musings.

Now, I want to introduce you to Grayson or, my friend, as I’ll call him for now. [Side note, I’m fiercely protective of him for many reasons and have not decided if his name or identity will be known]. However, I feel that when I start sharing the other “characters” I wrote of if I didn’t include him I would be missing a huge part of my journey, my path and my life.

We met on a writing/experience site and found ourselves settling into a conversation one would have with an old friend rather than someone you just met. [In Glow I call it “an immediate connection but both don’t know what exactly the connection] He’s the second catalyst for me, as he helped me believe in myself to write, to share and to continue to be open to where my path would lead…he reflects like my little girl but also acts as a believing mirror. As well as heart stirrer…

“We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.”

― E.E. Cummings

I will likely dance around this, introducing him, for a few posts as it’s quite complex and yet simple in the same vein. I don’t like using the term “Prince Charming” as it’s so fantasy, not reality based, but as you’ll see below I’m redefining what it means to me as I honestly never dreamed of Prince Charming. I mean maybe when I was 7 then I turned 8 and I’m not sure where he went. If he existed he could find me, I had always told myself. I don’t need him. I have myself; I enclosed my heart in an iron cocoon.

I wrote this towards the end of High School.

A Childhood Myth

~by me

 My body weeps

For the childhood myth

That once existed inside

A foolish fantasy

Of happy endings

Prince charming

White horses roaming green pastures

Grand castles reaching the stars

And gingerbread villages in between

My own private fairytale

But the walls once stable

With butter cream frosting

Have caved in

Lying broken, molding

Leaving me empty

Unknowing what to believe in

Not even Rapunzel’s golden hair

Can save me from the unhappiness

I’ve created.

The thing is I had boyfriends, I had loves, or what I thought was love, but to me Prince Charming is something entirely different, like acknowledging I’m in need of being saved or something.

I believe in Prince Charming again, but I define it as not someone who saves me…but someone who spurs me to be myself, however perfectly imperfect I am. 

 At the heart of it he and I are friends as well as spiritual partners. We’re like balances, as I like to term it. We both learn a great deal from one another for we share a similar belief system and quest to wring out every experience and opportunity that is available in this life, this breath, this endless wake of today. However, we approach from opposite perspectives leading to tremendous learning and growth, a continual unfolding of self, as our snowflake patterned expression of soul leaves an imprint on this world, for we’re both writers. Some may use the term soul mates or even twin flames, which is fine too. Our connection, well that’s something I’ll share more about as the words come to me, but for now enough has been said.