Last fall I found myself musing about falling in love. I felt it was something I unearthed deep in my heart as I let it flow towards another. I even mentioned this to him, part of my brave badge for the year 2020. But after the soul lesson shine lessened I began to realize the love I felt wasn’t for another, but a conduit I opened up within myself to allow love to flow to, through, out and back around to me. Bathed in love. Basking in love. I felt the shifts needed in myself to keep walking towards my dreams- the ones I hold close to my heart. The ones I was afraid to even utter aloud to myself. I met someone in late 2019 who challenges me to my core. One day in the gym he casually mentioned that I’d never reach my goals if I didn’t push myself. Granted, he meant knowing and feeling the difference from pushing myself in weight lifting versus playing it safe. But I heard him, felt him, deeply.

It’s easy to play it safe and comfortable and tell yourself you’re actually going for it. But just like I realized my mistake in how I was feeling toward someone, I started to see other projects I’d been working on for years fall away. They didn’t measure up anymore. They didn’t feel right. While glimmers surfaced about other, deeper truer more beautiful expressions for me, we fell into a pandemic.

In one fell swoop I became a full time single mother, healthcare worker juggling normal work on top of training at the hospital for a surge, and somehow helping my daughter with distance learning. Chores became infinitely more difficult as I was, and still am, continually exhausted. I can’t seem to catch up or rest up.

I haven’t been able to do the things I normally do to help. It’s been an unraveling of my life as I built it. I don’t really go anywhere, for safety. I’m stuck at home for all the days. To say it’s been a whirlwind of ups and downs would be an understatement. While I have many things to be thankful for, it’s still been a difficult transition and I allow that grief of the life before to co-exist with the gratitude I have for my daughter and my health, the food in the pantry and the roof over our head.

I had become accustomed to my life BC (before COVID): up at 6, breakfast and daily commute, drop my daughter off at school then head to work. Oh, and coffee, always coffee before the day can officially begin. Then it’s a run during lunch, or a Starbucks run, the gym and time with friends or collapsing exhausted on my couch on a Friday night. The weekend chock-full of errands, grocery shopping and meal planning, writing (maybe) and rest.

During COVID the coffee and dinner with friends is relegated to FaceTime and to go orders. The sweating it out and connecting with my body in the gym is now home-based workouts that help but aren’t the same. I became a single mother in a moment’s decision figuring out how to work as a busy healthcare worker amidst the pandemic, while helping my daughter with her school, clean our home and make healthy meals.

Suffice it to say, I couldn’t juggle it as well as I hoped. But, perhaps, that’s the point. The distilling down of what is truly important. What matters above all else

I’ve battled my weight my entire life. From age 8 on I remember feeling chubby, undesirable and ugly. This was mirrored in the taunts from boys at school tandem to freeze outs from the girls my age. I eventually found a rhythm and made life-long friends and settled into my padded body not really looking at the depth of why, but the surface of what I put in my mouth and lengths I’d go to shrink and sweat to exhaustion.

I remember the first time I passed out. I was jumping rope in the driveway of my childhood home. Next thing I knew my dad ran out as he heard me hit the ground with a thud. I didn’t know what happened but played it off as “falling”. I didn’t want him to worry. I wasn’t worried just trying to fit a standard that I felt would help every last missing piece of me fall into place. I can look back now, after years of inner work, living and letting go to know so much more matters than simply what I put in my mouth.

My body, my being, is a dynamic of systems all designed to work together in harmony.

My negative thoughts, my desire to control, my constant focus on every bit of food I ate, weren’t harmony. They were the by-product of looking outside for answers for the “how”. Somewhere along the way I began distrusting my inner self, my knowing when I’m full, how to move, how to love and how to satisfy my curiosity. I shape shifted to fit into a mold placed upon me from others versus breaking the god damned mold and being who I already am when I let myself be.

It’s taken a few decades, but I feel I’m finally there, or at least in a place to understand why I am the way I am, the patterns I’ve reinforced time-after-time in relationships with anything and everything. It all boils down to trust.

Do I trust myself?

Aka, do I love myself?

Love while often given a rose-colored glasses hue, in my experience, is anything but. Sure, love is one of the most life-giving, life-affirming feelings we can access as human beings. But in my experience, when I became a mother, when a fissure split in my heart and I connected in such pure love with the wailing alien like baby, my heart burst.

The person I was burst as I made room for this new identity. Sure, it would take years to realize mother wasn’t who I am at my core, but a reflection of relationship for me to learn the magic and power of love. What I view as spirituality.

After becoming a mother, I couldn’t breast feed well. For a type A achiever who almost always got A’s, this was earth shattering. Something didn’t go according to plan. I’d cry as I tried to feed my daughter. I blamed her and her lazy eating. Honestly, I don’t know why I didn’t produce enough milk, but that wasn’t a failing, that was my body responding to what it could do. The added pressure I placed upon myself, didn’t help. I would pump and pump, drink non-alcoholic beer and drink milk inducing tea. Finally, one day my then husband, pleaded with me to just ease up. That it wasn’t worth the pain. He saw what I was putting myself through and through his love, I was able to relax. A bit.

Truth is I was equally enamored and afraid of motherhood.

So much is placed on the mother. I remember decidedly having him change my daughter’s first diaper. I was afraid I’d do it wrong. He didn’t know what the hell he was doing, but he did an amazing job and became expert at swaddling her. Wrapping that love baby in a burrito became one of his contributions. I changed her diaper after the oxytocin wore off and epidural analgesia abated. But I had felt my first pang of being a bad mother. I’d wrestle with this when I didn’t produce enough breast milk, when I went back to work full-time—her dad left work to be a stay-at-home dad. That lasted for about 6 months, and I was always jealous that he could do that. As the breadwinner for the family, it wasn’t even an option. I felt betrayed by feminists. I felt I would not feel any sort of confliction in being a mother and working full-time. That’s what they had fought for, right?

Even in this system of feminism I had missed the point that feminism isn’t about what works for another, but what works for me. Eventually, I settled into a rhythm with my daughter. I lovingly made all her meals from scratch for the first few years. It wasn’t a burden, it wasn’t riddle with pain, but a joy in making what she would eat. I reconnected with her after about 3 months of wrestling with feeling overly emotional (likely postpartum blues) and not knowing who I was as a mother with this maelstrom of feelings.

Yes, you read that right. Emotions and feeling what I truly felt was new for me. So much was new and ushered in the possibilities for change. Fast forward a few years and the idea to write a story came to me. I pushed it down for months telling myself I was a pharmacist, a mother, not a writer. But the idea was insistent and shook me to my core. I won’t go into that more here but it’s what I think of as a spiritual awakening and reckoning.

What one is awakening to, many will argue. I’m not here for that argument. The reckoning happens when you sift through all that truly aligns with you versus what doesn’t, and likely, hasn’t.

I will say in my experience I have multiple conflicting truths existing in this human being I call myself.

A paradox wrapped in mystery. I grew to know one aspect of myself, beginning seeing the world through my own lens, until it became clouded with the lenses of others. I lost my way, abandoned myself and then found myself at a cross roads with a story about angels leading me out.

The moment my pen hit the notebook, I felt different. Similar seismic shifts resonated like when I connected in love and became a mother.

There’s a lot to unpack, but when my daughter was two and a half, I told my partner I wanted a divorce. My love for her was what finally gave me the courage to leave an unhealthy marriage.

We were not a healthy fit. I can only take accountability for myself, but I was ready to break patterns and cycles.

I was ready to make my own choices born from deep inside that shouted, “no, not this!”

That’s my understanding of love. The strength and courage to rise up in the face of adversity and be exactly who you are—making choices born from the inside out and unshakable faith that you can trust yourself. Even if you fall. Even if you fail. Even if you stumble. Even if you succeed.

Success should be your terms for what truly matters in life. In your life. Not another’s. But yours.

You have one blessed sip of life, allow love to flux and flow helping guide you, even amidst the difficult parts.

One day while obsessing about what I would eat during this pandemic, home bound, reckoning with life as I had built it since filing for divorce and embarking out on my own to find myself again.. I ruminated about whether or not I should eat jalapeno chips with my turkey sandwich.

While my thoughts ping ponged the pros and cons of some chips a small voice inside whispered, “What would love look like?”

One small phrase stopped my mental circus and tunneled deep. I knew what love looked like, I’ve looked into her eyes before when I allowed myself to flow in life versus white-knuckle every moment. Tears rimmed my eyes. One sentence and I felt the complete unraveling from depths I didn’t realize were habitable in the human heart.

While I left an unhealthy relationship with my marriage, and worked on the one within me that allowed such to flourish in my life rather than allowing my own self flourish, while I had waxed and waned in allowing myself to dabble with what love would look like as it unfolded in my whole life, I knew at that moment I called to really examine my life and allow what love would look like permeate my being. Then, and only then, to move forward, to love forward from there.

What would love look like for me?

Finishing Glow, the angel novel I began over a decade ago. Sharing my story about how my mind cracked open to possibility when I was given the final nudge towards writing, one of my soul’s form of expression. To help guide others on similar journeys within as they learn to unfold and allow the lives waiting to come to and through them. Teaching the language of soul.

More belly laughs, snack plates and jalapeno chips. More hikes, more nature, more skinny dipping. More kissing, more making out, more making love. Opening my heart to romance and intimacy again as I dance my way towards my partner. Loosening my grasp on the known, the tried and true, and opening the sails to charter my own waters through the mystery of the unknown.

I know that love trusts myself in all facets of life. That it’s not about perfection or getting it “right” but allowing myself the experiences to learn, grow and unfold into who I already am when I let myself be.

What would love look like for you?

Categories: Writings

GlowMind: The Language of Soul

Kristy

Posted on April 14, 2020

“I’m an introvert and an Aries,” I said only to be met with silence. “Are you there?” I asked.

“Yes, I’m here,” he paused for a moment, “You really going to let the stars dictate who you are?”

“Wait a sec—“ I said.

“Nah, it’s okay,” he chuckled. “I’m just giving you shit.” We’ve had this convo before, only we’d never delved into the deep of why I say such things. Regardless, I loved hearing his voice and laugh. I missed it and him. There doesn’t seem to be enough genuine chuckles during this pandemic. Just social media memes about how we should all feel and accomplish, or not accomplish, during this forced home time.

I hate being told what to do or how to feel.

“Let me put it this way, I regenerate my energy when I’m alone, but during this pandemic I’m getting restless. As for Aries, I’m impulsive, physical, and passionate (read: stubborn).” I clarified.

The truth is I don’t remember how he responded but we went on to talk about Marvel comics and the movies as he’s about the watch them all, chronologically, with his family. I had heard of this phenomenon but haven’t taken it on…yet.

Marvel is a world of universes created based on archetypes, it’s played out in colorful comic books or adapted to the big screen.

Marvel can also mean to be filled with wonder and astonishment. Now that’s a word I can get behind.

Language is a shared construct. It’s agreed upon by a group of people but only has meaning for those who lend credence to the ideas or beliefs behind the words, or labels, that describe.

For my friend, he doesn’t believe in astrology, which is totally cool with me. I’m going to save that conversation for another time mainly because what we believe is ours and ours alone. I used that language as for some, it wouldn’t require any further explanation for they’d understand what I meant. But as Chas pointed out, he didn’t know, nor did he believe in those descriptions.

Here’s the thing with language: it comes from somewhere and is symbolic for what it’s trying to convey. From the most rudimentary written forms used by the Sumerians to Egyptian hieroglyphs to Latin and maths (also a symbolic system) it’s all representative of something else.

In the graphic above I’m sharing what I like to call: The GlowMind. We each have our mind, but the GlowMind is a different source of language. It’s not one that we learn but are given inherently and connect with from birth. It’s not knowledge, but a way of knowing. Just like the image of the sun flowing through the darkened tree tops, illuminating all in it’s path, so too, GlowMind helps you see the forest through the trees with the experience you’re really living.

Or not living.

GlowMind has it’s own language. It’s one that has often been scribed on scrolls once buried now found or meticulously transcribed generation after generations becoming the various doctrines religions or spiritual beliefs. In some cultures, it’s an oral tradition that passes this language along. Regardless, it exists outside what we generally understand to be language. It often uses pictures or single words to convey meaning.

Years back I began to study this part of my mind that could communicate with a single punch versus the, often verbose, nature of my egoic (monkey) mind. I sought out those who communed with such as I didn’t understand it nor was I truly comfortable using it. I’ve been straddling both worlds for some time: logic and spirit, mind and GlowMind. But if I’m honest, I live from my GlowMind. I execute its guidance with my mind.

I like to tell stories, so here goes.

One late summer day I found myself in a room that invited so much space and grace that I could set my skepticism aside and open to what was wanting to live through me. Ann had the window open and the cool breeze billowed the sheer white curtains. Lavender oil scented the air and crystals lined her little side table. I plopped facedown on the massage table, about to close my eyes and open up. I’d often have internal dialogue about why I found myself here, in the moment, entertaining such. My old scientific mind couldn’t process why I’d even believe. Yet, I’d been living from this newly discovered side for a few years and found that somehow, a part within me, knew and guided with a language I didn’t understand as easily. I always took things literally rather than symbolically. I came here with Ann to foster that connection. After tracing the bread crumbs in my mind to why I’m with an energy healer who communed with angels, I placed my face in the little circle knowing that no matter how carefully I placed my cheeks, my mascara would smudge. I know, a mundane thought, but it’s the truth. I closed my eyes anyway and slowed my breath. I don’t remember everything from that session, but something that did come through that I’ve brought with me years later. I remember seeing the image of myself swimming furiously in a golden stream. I was tired, weak and battling the elements. Then the picture flipped on its own. Now, and this is important, I didn’t consciously flip it. It flipped on its own and I suddenly saw myself turned over on my back, floating. I instantly knew what was conveyed. “Go with the flow. Float.”

One single image held quite the impact in my life. It’s a kernel of truth that can explain GlowMind in how I’d like to convey it. It’s not about furiously living life at a frenetic pace, but opening up with the inner part of yourself that is connected to a flow that can help you flip over and float your way through life. I want to state that this doesn’t mean that life is just easy peasy lemon squeezy. What it does, is align you with an undercurrent that when tapped into brings you all the people, places, and things meant for an authentic life lived by you.

It’s a language that glows in your GlowMind. It’s felt, it’s symbolic and we ALL have access to it. It just takes a bit of time to understand and open to what is being communicated. The good news: I’ve been listening to it for a lifetime. There is no bad news, other than you always have a choice, with this, in your life. You can choose to listen or turn away and tune out.

As for the stars dictating who I am? Oh hell no! I choose that. Day-by-day as I decide who I am as I show up, all-in holding my own space and grace for the spark of life as it desires to live through me.

Categories: Writings

2020 Vision: Radiant

Kristy

Posted on January 20, 2020

If you had told me that this would be my life a decade ago, I wouldn’t have believed you. I became a mother, dramatically changed jobs, started writing a novel, and filed for divorce all around 10 years ago. One action flowed into the next and into the next and it’s been me riding that flow ever since. I can look back now and see how it was all meant to be. But living the moments, the dark days and endless weeks where I didn’t know if I’d ever find my way, there were times I was ready to fold back into my old life as the old me.

I remember the fear + the courage to finally show up in my life as me, the me underneath it all. To then take that self-knowing and cultivate a life, relationship with others and myself that centered around this core of true self. Every action then is a ripple, an aligned truth with who I am and why I’m here. And I’m ready to radiate Radiance.

The novel I started writing, Glow, the one that took me becoming the woman who could finish it, knowing that it wouldn’t be ready for the next steps until I had completed the journey necessary to bring this story to the hearts and souls of many, well, I sent Glow into my editor today: 1.20.2020 (love those divine numbers) to begin the process of getting it published. It definitely doesn’t need to take a decade to write a book. But this is more than a book.

This is a journey I’ve been on and now, only now, is Glow ready to be bound and shared with others. It’s a story of Angels, Fallen Angels, the human story, Earth, and the Divine connection we each have access to. At the heart of the story are two angels: Luxiel and Noxiel and we follow their story as they diverge on their own destiny only to come back together when it’s time. Some things are worth the wait.

2019 was filled with many pivotal moments: I published Forty Mornings, I start personal training to finally heal trauma as I connected in with my body tandem to building strength as I felt sovereign in my body. I fell in love, deeply, without even realizing it until it surfaced with such blinding clarity that I resisted.

2020 started with me owning that love in such a brave and vulnerable way, it’s set a tone for this year. To stare into the baby blues of the one you love and know that there are no guarantees yet proceed anyway that’s priceless and something I carry it with me still. That’s vision 2020.

Categories: Writings

How Exquisite You Love

Kristy

Posted on December 15, 2019

LOVE. Oof, one word holds so many connotations, limitations and beliefs. Even as you read this you’re thinking of your own story of love or heartbreak. For most of my life, I’ve held myself back from fully letting love in. I had my reasons, until I realized that Blaise Pascal was right when he said that the heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of, we know the truth not only by the reason, but by the heart.

I’ve been falling in love with someone over the past year. Mostly it bobbed just below my consciousness, until it surfaced with such blinding clarity that I was shocked. I’m talking, couldn’t sleep as I wondered, “How in the hell did I let this happen?”

The truth being, I entered into it, the deepest part of me guiding me until I realized that I couldn’t have picked a more suitable partner. Is he who I thought I’d end up with? No. But when I allow myself to realize how I feel around him I know that while my mind may have needed to play catch up, my heart knew the whole time as my soul guided me.

I recently found this passage of writing and it’s so resonant for me now. I’ve thought I was ready. Given that I wrote this in December of 2018, I’ve thought I was ready for about a year. You can think you’re ready, but until you let go of all your limiting beliefs you won’t align as you’re misaligned within yourself. Fortunately, I want this so I’ve been doing the work to excavate the bullshit to open up to this magical love that has brought transformation for me, both inside and out.

This is what I wrote: (for context, two men entered my life in 2018, one ended up married, the other engaged. Double oof!!)

“I don’t want to be married, yet, but I do want to date and feel that warm giddy feeling when you spend time together. I want to feel the slow realization that I’m opening up to another because that’s how I am when I’m with him. And I open as I want to get to know him better as he begins to know me.

I want more kissing while pressed to the wall. I want those moments you don’t have to speak because you just know. You both know. I want intimacy. I want naked limbs intertwined. Smiles that crinkle at the edges of our eyes. I want to embrace the adventure of life, together. To know each other deeper. Fuller. To wear the plunging crimson dress that hugs all the right curves. I want to learn how you take your coffee…and your eggs. I want to feel the 5 o’clock shadow as it rubs my skin pink from too much kissing—as if that’s even a thing. I look forward to the laughs, the uninterrupted belly laughs as we let go.

Oh, how my heart feels ready even as it still quivers from the cracks and fissures – the scars from the open hearts before. We’ve been through so much and still…how exquisite you love.

Through tears and faith. Through finally letting go and allowing yourself be held with your ear pressed to his chest as you heard his heart beating and loving in time. I want to hear your stories- the good, the bad, the ugly. The parts that make you human. Your depths as I tell you mine. I want to sing and dance and pluck the wild flowers from our hearts and make crowns we place upon our heads. Let’s hold space as we see each other in the fierce grace we’ve cultivated from living in this cruel and beautiful world…

I’m ready to love and be loved. I’m ready to lie beneath the gaze of my lover’s eyes.”

I can’t control what happens. A relationship consists of two people always choosing to show up with the other. I know what I choose and I’m sharing this as I don’t want to live behind the shadow of what could’ve been because I was too afraid to own how I feel. Nah, I’m showing up and sharing it proudly as it’s been a lifetime earned this declaration of love. Cross your fingers for me!

Categories: Writings

Tagged: love, Romance, Wholehearted

Glow: First Fight

Kristy

Posted on December 11, 2019

I’ve been working on this piece as I wanted to share again with a pic I found on the internet that reminds me of Lux. The garb in Glow is different, but the feel of this photo is wonderful. This piece is raw, unedited, and not formatted, however, I feel it’s important to share how first drafts start as when you see it again, it’ll be book bound and ready to hold in your hands. Glow is two character’s point of view woven together. This part takes place in the Angelic Realm and is told from Noxiel’s perspective. Happy Reading!

Glow: First Fight

“Not all angels lounge in the clouds strumming harps and singing love into the world. Some of us have to fight to protect. Some of us get in the blood and the guts and the dust. Our wings singed-embers compared to the pure white you so innocently wield. We’re the left hand of the Creator. I don’t glow, Lux, I burn.” My voice sounded harsher than I felt. But she needed to wake-up. It’s time to fight.

“Okay, fair enough.” She sighed, closed her eyes and turned her palms upward. Her breathing slowed as her chest rose and fell into a rhythm in direct contrast to the antsy spectators milling about. She smiled, her eyes still closed, as a stream of light arced between her hands. It sputtered and sparked then faded out. The breeze from angels’ wings carried the scent of wildflowers, grass and the metallic whiff of heat. The angelics’ conversations filled the air but receded in Luxiel’s presence as if she had a protective bubble of energy around her. Her thumbs traced the pattern of a weapon not manifested yet. She smiled again, but this time opened her eyes just as a two golden knives appeared in each hand. The blades long and tapered, they glinted and flickered in the sunlight.

“Eleven fighting knives, that I did not expect. The blades blur into a fiery tip as if not fully formed,” I reached forward to touch them. The handles covered in thin delicate scroll marks carved into each side. Each knife an exact replica of its match. Twins. The metal must be the same alloy used in the mesh woven into our combat garb as it had the same burnished tone only seen in the metals products by the Tri-Galaxy smiths.

“Yes, that’s because I don’t want to spill blood, I’d rather use my energy to fight. Now stop stalling, show me your weapon of choice. Unless you’ve decided to concede?” she said, throwing a bit of arrogance my way.

“Ouch, too late,” I said as one crimson drop of blood fell from my fingertip to the ground. The plants below withered and wilted. “How noble of you.” My eyes transfixed with the vibrant green turf that faded gray from one mere drop of my blood. Life receded in my presence. Luxiel stared at the desolate ground, her mouth opened as if to say something, but instead it’s caught within her throat.

“If you have something to say, please say it,” I said. I raised an eyebrow as if to double dare. “And why would I concede? This is a battle that both sides have been anticipating for a millennium.” I closed my eyes before she saw the pain that clouded them like a stormy sky. I don’t know why, but it bothers me that life ceased to exist in my presence. Despite being a Dark Angel, I felt the loss with every fiber of my being. I let it roll off me, the energy thick and dark, as best I could. The other of my brethren didn’t seem to be bothered by their affect on life. Luxiel focused on the spot, but I saw my dim waves, like dust swirling in the air, as it disappeared into her light. The more she absorbed, the brighter she shone. She transmuted my energy to light!

“Let’s do this already.” I said, wanting to divert from what I just saw. How could she do that? How could she turn pain into light? I felt my weapon’s energy surge before it showed up in my hands. The long smooth feel of the bamboo staff felt familiar and comforted my rising questions.

“A stick? Really?” She said. “I’m really not sure how that would be helpful.” She tilted her head to the right, and stared, waiting for me to answer.

“It’s called a Bo staff.” I raised my hand above my head and rotated the staff on the center of my palm where it perfectly spun above my head like a pinwheel. I didn’t know where the need to show my skills off came from, but I found myself switching the staff from my left to right hand, not skipping a beat with each rotation. “When you use it correctly it’s quite the weapon of choice for those trained in martial arts.”

“If you say so. You badger me to choose my weapons and you bring an overgrown chopstick,” She said. She placed her knives on her back, cris-crossed and snug in a leather harness that wrapped around her shoulders onto her back, the blades snug against her body. She may be a love and lighter, but her muscles were lithe and taught like a ballet dancer. She may not have me matched for size, but I couldn’t count her out yet.

“I’ll let that dig go, since you’re not familiar with training or weapons, but are you really going to come at me without your weapons out?” I said, exasperated. She brought forth weapons clearly intended to be used then puts them away. “The thing with you love and lighters is you have your heads stuck in the clouds while I am firm-footed on the ground. I plan and calculate my next move. I am pre-emptive, while you are reactionary.”

“Why don’t we just begin and then you can see why I choose as I do.” Her scroll lines activated and lit up. Two spirals on the top of each hand swirl flowed beginning a path of light, each one seemingly to ignite the next up her arm. One-by-one, the luminescent lines traveled up to her shoulders connecting spirals and symbols of our Angelic language. They continued then swooped over her clavicle, down her chest, and spanned the full length of her torso and legs finally ending at her feet.

“You’re covered, Lux.” I said as I admired her extensive skills and abilities showing up like gilded tattoos only these weren’t from the outside in. They came only when you drew on your Angelic blood line and shone from the inside out to help guide you at the slightest need. I kept spinning my Bo so that she didn’t realize how much I was drawn to her. Especially now, all lit up and ready to fight. She was a well marked warrior, her scroll lines proved it. But could she fight?

“Thank you, Nox.” She said, clearly not understanding the significance of what was just revealed. She watched me with my Bo for a bit then lunged, her knives out in a flash stopping my Bo staff mid-spin as she kicked directly into my chest. With a thud it knocked the breath from my lungs. I staggered back. My wings unfurled to their full wingspan and stopped me from toppling backward. Damn. She could fight.

“My head may be in the clouds, and I see nothing wrong with that, and sure, think of me as reactionary, a love and lighter as you so affectionately say. However, my actions are fueled by my passion and with the intuition I have I will deflect your pre-emptedness and spring back to my original shape. Marveling at you and your sure footedness, here, in the same place.” She flipped backward, narrowly missing my staff sweeping out to bring her down, and landed perfectly, in the same spot.

“You know; it’s not fair making me smile when I’m trying to fight…” The tender resonance in my voice surprised me. But I knew how to get to her.

“What?” She stood up straight and looked me in the eye. Her ponytail bobbed behind her confused face. I swept my Bo staff under her legs and she fell to the ground. That had to have hurt, but she needed to learn.

“Lesson one, don’t let your guard down. Ever. Even if someone is sweet talking you. Actually, especially if someone is sweet talking you,” I said. It felt like a cheap blow, but she needed to learn to keep her head in the fight. “The battlefield is no place for heart and love.”

“That was sweet talking? Thanks for the lesson. I’ll remember that one. Always.” She brushed off the dust on her legs and stood back up. Her face determined.

“I don’t fault you for it, it’s my job to help you hone your skills. Now, I’m not going to fight you weaponless.” I tossed my Bo to the ground. My wings stretched and pulsed pulling me up from the ground. Dirt swirled below like little dust devils. I looked down at her and said, “catch me, Lux.” I lifted off, using all my strength to pump myself high into the sky. It’s easy to land a blow on solid ground. I wanted to see how she’d do mid-flight.

To Be Continued…

Categories: Writings

A Saturn Return, A Return To Me

Kristy

Posted on November 20, 2019

I first heard of the Saturn Return during a date. It’s true. We matched online and met up at a local dive bar. He had just finished getting a tattoo of this very topic—the Saturn Return, that spanned his entire upper arm. Even though it was a 6-hour tattoo session, he popped a few ibuprofen intent to finally meet me. We sat at a pub table and swapped stories. I adore getting to know folks. He’s a bassist, in healthcare technology, and had a penchant for piercing right through me to the parts of myself I usually keep at arms length. One word – scary! He shared about the astrological phenomenon of Saturn Return in that when we’re about 29 years of age, the planet Saturn returns to the same placement in your astrological chart as when you were born.

The significance? This can rattle the inauthentic parts of you and set you on a collision course with the potential to carve out a path truer to you. The real you. The you beneath all the “shoulds” that you or others have placed upon yourself as you grew up.

Any choices you’ve made that don’t jive with your inner self, will be shaken and stirred, giving you the opportunity to choose differently this go round.

You have a choice, you always have a choice, as far as how to proceed: burrow your true self deeper or finally let her breathe as you actively listen to what you really want in life.

A note on astrology. There’s a lot out there and I’m not sure if it’s all accurate, but I do believe we’re bathed in a flow that is affected by astrol bodies (e.g., planets, stars). Suffice it to say, that the placement of such astrol (astral) bodies at birth can affect that flow of information and leave an imprint on each of us.

I’ll share a story as it has more impact, often, than information. In 2010 my chart matched a man’s chart in the shape of a kite with the progression of an asteroid in our House of Gemini for exactly 2.5 years. Guess how long he was physically in my life?

Yep, right about three years. We’re both writers and served as spiritual partners to help further our growth and development. Oh, and we fell in love. I’m talking Earth shaking, stars align, soul mates + we have a metaphysical connection that transcends space and time. We have since parted ways, but occasionally connect in metaphysically to let the other know we’re here and that we still feel each other.

I’m sharing about Saturn Return for a few reasons: One, your soul speaks in symbols (it’s not literal) and two, you may be entering or finishing up your Saturn Return. It may not span a decade as mine has, but the intent is the same: choose you, return to you and live that truth daily as best you can.

I’ve been seeing Saturn images crop up this past month. At first, I looked up what Saturn means spiritually or symbolically on the internet. But nothing felt right.

I then looked at the novel I’m writing, specifically at the chapter titled: The Jewel of the Milky Way. It’s all about the two angels resting atop the rings of Saturn as they gaze at a star nursery. A few lines stood out, but I didn’t get that tickle in my tummy letting me know I’ve found it. That tickle is physical resonance with that which guides us from the unseen. Soul, spirit, source… it doesn’t matter what you call it. The point is we’re equipped with the ability to connect in and allow that to guide.

Finally, it hit me, there are about 42 days left in this decade. And my return to Saturn began in 2008 in becoming a mother, rippled into 2009 when I unexpectedly changed jobs and started writing my novel, Glow, with final actions taken in 2010 to get a divorce and fully delve into the realm of spirit as I fell back in love with myself. All the ripples converging with the intent to course correct my life, me, and my purpose being me with the unencumbered expression of my soul.

It’s been quite the decade and it’s been preparing me for this next phase of life. Living the inner changes fully expressed on the outside. The reason I’m here in this moment of time.

I’ve been resting on my laurels this month, this year, and the universe and my soul ensured I was nudged. It’s time to finish the last bits of the my Saturn Return. I’ve come too far to remain at the threshold. I’m ready to welcome all the blessings bestowed when you’ve make this harrowing journey. It’s not easy, it’s riddled with darkness, pain, the unknown, and grief, just as much as joy, peace, love, and wonder. But if you can take the good, the bad and the ugly and let it flow through you as you stare down anything but love that surfaces, you will make it through.

We each are here for a purpose. The purpose to be our whole true self and allow that truth to ripple out into our life. What is nudging you? What is trying to capture your attention to the flow of life, your soul as it wants to be lived through you?

May your choices be your ladder to the stars and may you be a bright constellation of all your hopes and dreams.

Categories: Expression of Self

Glow 2.0

Kristy

Posted on August 19, 2019

Glow 2.0

This is a quick post to say: Believe in your dreams. Believe in yourself. Believe in what wants to come to and through you. Truly, madly, deeply, believe with your whole being.

I honestly don’t believe in lofty purposes. I feel it’s actually quite simple: Our purpose is for each of us to be our self. But the catch is, in being yourself, you then tap into this pulse of the divine, spirit, universe, _______ (you fill in the blank) as it wants to live through you. You don’t hold back, you don’t get in your way, you don’t wait for assurances, but act in faith and the desire to devote to the pulse as it’s beating within your heart to be known, to be seen, and to be who you were created to be.

We can grow up and lose touch with those precious moments where we know why we’re here as we feel it deep within our bones as we embody an expression that is more true than the name written on our birth certificate.

This is my wish to you, that you return to the you before you knew yourself and create from, love from, and be that soul in bloom.

I’ve been diligently working on my novel, Glow, this summer. And it finally came together these past few weeks in quite a beautiful way. Not only have I finished weaving the twin narratives together, but I felt the nudge to create a mock cover by snapping a pic of the wooden angel wings that hang in my living room and add a few golden words to bring this dream into a tangible reality. I then saved my draft to an ePub file so that while on my up-coming vacation, I can read it from beginning to end on my iPad (rather than print it all off) and let the story soak back into my bones from the outside in.

It takes work to excavate the story as it wants to be told. This has been a decade labor of love, soul work, and devotion. I’m going to claim it now, but it’s likely the cornerstone of all the things that will come from me from here on out. Writing this story was a tandem journey to me finding myself, my true self, and letting her live on the outside rather than sidelined by my fears, doubts, and ego. There are still many revisions to be made, editing, formatting, finding an agent etc., but I’m taking a moment now to pause and reflect on all that has happened in the past 10 years. It’s been quite the adventure.

As some new doors open, I see myself closing others that are no longer healthy to keep open. My light is shifting as I cast the afterglow in another direction. I know what I desire in life, I know what I deserve and I’m ready to live the life that wants to flow to and through me.

This is my Glow 2.0

Categories: Expression of Self

Tagged: author, creativity, storyteller

11:11 Reflections on Synchronicity

Kristy

Posted on May 12, 2019

Today is Mother’s day and it marks my 11th anniversary in becoming a mother. My daughter turned 11 this past Wednesday and other than wondering where the time went, I noted the double meaning. 11:11 are numbers that you can find numerous hits on a google search to find the meaning. Often, I see repeating numbers. Whether on the clock, license plates, or as totals for purchases. But 11:11 has been around for me for quite a bit longer than the past decade. The old me, had no room for signs, synchronicities or soul. The new me, understands the relationship between all three.

Tucked away, I have a tape I saved with a song titled: 11:11. To explain, my then boyfriend (my daughter’s dad) and I found ourselves two nights in a row, on the same bend in the road in our college town at the same time: 11:11. We both noticed it and remarked of the coincidence. He then wrote and recorded the song for me. Yes, it was just as magical and meaningful as it sounds. I haven’t thought about that in ages, until now on this day of 11 years in being a mother to an 11 year old child.

I used to lament about how wrong I got my life. However, in my belief, to have the synchronous moment way back in the car with my now ex-husband and to fast forward to today, I didn’t get anything wrong. I was right where I needed to be, all the along the way. This can be hard to swallow as the past decade of my life has unfolded in a way that has been equally fascinating and joyous as it has been riddled with pain and grief. I feel we need to redefine what it means to be living the life meant for us. It doesn’t mean that it’s perfect, it just means it’s perfect for us in the moments it’s existing now. The now, however, can turn inside out as you live into the newly aligned.

I used to be so concerned about where I was headed that I didn’t enjoy where I already was. Life passed me by as I only lived the length. But it’s important to live in the depths too. On this Mother’s day, snuggled up with my daughter and our kitten, Binks, I felt the circuitous nature of life. I was reminded of years ago, soon after my divorce, when I was on this same couch with my three-year old daughter and our dog, Bentley. I had one hand on each and really settled into the feeling that this is my family. This is my life, now.

I felt that depth again today. It’s not that I haven’t felt it in the past years, it’s more that I’m feeling the significance of it on this day, my 11th year as a mother to my 11 year old daughter. It took so much courage for me to dive out of the known into the unknown back then. I had the shakiest legs with life as I tried this new way of being.

11:11 in angel or aligned numbers means that you are one with life and with all that is. It’s the sign that you should live in the light that surrounds you and experience a relationship with the divine.

Life is relationship. Our connection to ourselves as a spiritual being in the physical is a relationship and we’re here to experience that. I feel that synchronicities or the divine’s little blips are to help wake us up to something more than the daily reality we’ve become accustomed to.

I was at a BBQ yesterday chatting with many mothers. I shared that I wrote a book, which always seems to spark interest. They asked how I had time for that? I responded that firstly, I have one child. And secondly, I made the time as I followed my intuition and divine signs. I shared about how I reconnected with my intuition years ago when I became a mother and that it’s been guiding me since. One mother mentioned how a few years back, after her second child, she felt like she got guidance, but that now she received nothing. I politely disagreed. I told her that guidance isn’t always stars aligning but daily moments that are meant to whisper and nudge us. I shared that having three children is a lot of work and that she always has access to the intuitive nature she possesses, but that it may not be the time for her to do different things, yet.

Living the life meant for us can mean living in the season we are in now, even if it doesn’t feel special. Or even if it was what was meant then, but not what is meant for you now. This is what I have come to believe with my previous life, previous marriage, and previous me.

I can look back on my life and realize now that even the marriage that ended in divorce, even the dreams that I buried for decades, and the love I withheld from myself, were always part of this life I’m living now as I lived into rediscovering who I am again and again and again. A friend of mine says that what is meant for us doesn’t miss us. I believe that’s true, as long as we turn our head and heart to the light and live in relationship both the mundane and divine.

Categories: Writings

Tagged: Divinity, Relationship, soul, Synchronicity

I Wrote a Book, Now What?

Kristy

Posted on April 18, 2019

This is an IG story selfie that I love, even if the book is backwards ;) I took it holding my first official copy on my birthday. Can you feel the joy? I can!

It’s been just over a week since my book launch for Forty Mornings. I have to admit, I’ve carried my first official copy in my handbag ever since opening the package. I even videoed the book reveal on my Instagram profile to commemorate. And last Friday morning, while frequenting my local breakfast spot, the server who knows me and my order well, tried buy my copy off me. But I held fast and referred her to the amazon page. It did give me the idea to carry copies to share. It’s been surreal and amazing the past week. But the truth is, while on one hand I’m over the moon that this first book of mine is published. I’ve been feeling a little like, “I wrote a book, now what?”

It’s not that I don’t know next steps. I do. I’m planning a live event in Portland, Oregon on May 4th called Divine Fusion Live. You can check it out here. I inadvertently picked May 4th, as in, “May the 4th be with you.” Which is so appropriate but not planned, well, consciously. I know I’ll be creating an online course of the same title this summer. A few weeks back, I had dinner with my friend and videographer. While noshing on tagliatelle and sipping Chardonnay at the rooftop restaurant, we discussed angels, lighting, equipment, and just what it would take to create this web course. And then Glow, I’m finishing that up.

So, it’s not a what’s next that I’m referring to so much as it’s a what now.

I remember a few years back at the Wanderlust LA listening to Elizabeth Gilbert and Rob Bell discuss how much of what we create isn’t about the end product, but what we’ve created within ourself to bring the creation to life. I have never really understood what that meant truly until seeing the image of me above. You see, the past decade, while it’s been filled with many beautiful, loving, and joyful moments. It’s equally been filled with doubt, fear, pain, loss, and uncertainty. I didn’t know how all the life changes I was nudged to make would turn out. I didn’t know that all would be okay, eventually.

It’s only now I can truly look in the mirror and say that I love the reflection. And I’m not talking about physically. I’m talking about knowing the courage it took for me to truly look at myself and the life I had created and realize just how lost I was. I didn’t even know myself, only that wisdom I wield now is gleaned after the journey home to my soul. As a teen, I used to always end the poetry I wrote with the following line, “I’m here in the present, disconnecting my soul.”

I never stopped to really think about what it was I was saying. How does one disconnect soul? Let alone wonder what the soul was as it was abstract and nothing my mind could wrap around.

The truth is, you don’t disconnect. But you can turn away, you can dial down the nudges of soul, what I term your link to your higher self, and move in the opposite direction meant for you. You’re never off your path as you’re your path, but you can veer far from your true North.

I’ve always wanted to write. I share about the book I wrote at age 7ish in Forty Mornings. I wrote poetry in my teens and twenties. I went to school to become a Pharmacist but that’s really my healer self in disguise. I then had the nudge to write a book about angels while working on the Oncology unit one January day in 2009. I finally sat down to write in September of 2009 after seeing the names of two characters I thought up hours prior reflected in the pilot episode of The Vampire Diaries as the names of the dead parents of a main character. That small but profound coincidence set me on this path to where I am today.

Forty Mornings is all about the moment you stop to truly begin to connect with what your soul has been trying to tell you all along. It’s about building a relationship, one that once fostered will continue to guide you.

So, when I ask myself, “What now?” I’m really asking, “Who am I now?” I have moved beyond the author of Forty Mornings, I’m somewhere in-between Divine Fusion and Glow. But those outward expressions and creations aren’t me so much as what I’m creating/finalizing within myself as I bring them to the light to share with others. It can take time for transformation to settle if we’re so used to standing in our own way.

Eckhart Tolle says, “If you get the inside right, the outside falls into place.” I’ve connected back in and come home to my soul. From there it’s fusing my divine self with my living self and that, well, that’s how we glow.

A month or so ago I stayed up late watching a documentary about Gobekli Tepe. It chronicled the discovery of around 20 circular structures that held a total of 200 pillars near Sanliurfa, Turkey dating 10,000 BC. It’s the oldest ceremonial structure found to date. There are more unanswered questions than understanding about this place, however, I watched the documentary transfixed. The part about the sun symbol with wings piqued my interest. This symbol is well-known with the goddess Isis, it’s considered the soul/divinity, and is commonly seen in religious pictures as a halo or circle of light surrounding the head. A few paintings shown in the documentary depicted that the halo was not just for celestial beings, but for people like Jesus. The glow was the indication that the person had transcended their earthly form and fused with an enlightened state.

Enlightenment sounds so pretentious but I believe it’s quite simple. We’re equally the truth of our atoms, cells, and physical bodies just as much as we’re the space between our atoms, the love we know through feeling, and the inspiration that abounds inciting creativity and wonder in each of us. Enlightenment is knowing we’re beyond the body but able to bring that higher self down to Earth and live a divine earthly life.

A living spirit. That’s my, “What now?” Have you asked yourself about yours?

Categories: Writings

Tagged: author

Birth of an Author

Kristy

Posted on April 9, 2019

Well, I did it!! I published my first book and it’s available for purchase here! I can’t believe this day has finally come plus it’s all happening on my birthday, which is also National Unicorn Day. Coincidence? I think not!

Well, I did have a hand in aligning my book launch and my birthday. National Unicorn Day, however, is what I like to call Divine Timing because I am a unicorn too. You can read my post about that here.

I’ve pondered the best way to share Forty Mornings with you all and felt that an excerpt from the book would be a good primer.

Intro:

Hi, friends! This is the part of the book where I tell you what to expect from reading it and why you should buy it. You want a promise for results, transformation, and realized dreams.

What a loaded promise!

Here’s the thing: It’s my sincerest wish that you do find yourself living into and embodying all of those. However, I promise no BS. And in promising no BS, I have to be completely honest that I’ve wanted those same things from self-help authors, personal development motivators, and spiritual transformers before. I held so many expectations without realizing that there is one crucial factor that no one else can supply. The fact is that YOU alone hold the key to your dreams, transformations, and aspirations.

I can guide you to the path—the very one I’ve trod over the past decade. I can provide principles and guideposts, but it is you and you alone who take the steps. You who show up, read, and let the words settle while the meaning tunnels to your depths as you move through each day.

Don’t get me wrong—I’ll be here encouraging, inspiring, and uplifting you as you embark on this journey. But the outcome rests upon your shoulders. It’s not meant to be a weight but liberation from the weight of waiting for others to manifest for you what you desire.

The truth is you already have all that you need within to bring forth all the miracles and magic by simply being yourself. It’s not about who you need to become but who you already are beneath all the layers of doubts, disbelief, and discontent.

I’ve taken this journey within, and I hope to ignite the same within you.

The question that matters now is this: What would happen if you set the intention to show up daily for 40 mornings, ready to dive within, and connect with your intuitive self?

Forty Mornings was born from my desire to help others connect with their intuition and inner GPS. I believe there’s a part of ourselves that speaks through intuitive nudges, synchronicities, and resonance. This self holds the key to unlocking our greatest desires, dreams, and creative aspirations.

Whatever calls to be expressed from your soul.

I believe this because I’ve experienced this.

Forty Mornings is about beginning this relationship with your inner self as you seek to change and transform your outer self, flowing and growing into anything that calls to your soul.

We each have a voice that whispers, nudges, and puts exactly what is needed at the time on our path. It’s always there, and it’s our choice to either pay attention or pass it off as coincidence or wishful thinking rather than intuition and guidance.

I’ve learned to trust that voice and inner guidance as it’s born of a more expansive knowing than when looking at the cards I already hold.

The thing is, intuition is important. But first, you need to give yourself the space and time— even if but five minutes—to set the stage for your inner GPS to kick in as you connect to this often buried part of yourself.

Don’t have the time you say? I hear you. I’m a single mother who works full-time as a pharmacist informaticist with a healthy morning and evening commute. This is why I stand on the opposite spectrum of massive action. I believe in aligned action. Inspired action. This action is born from a greater knowing than throwing everything at the target hoping one of the arrows hits its mark.

As for not enough time . . .

We live in a bustling world. Our phones are mini computers that chime and sound with each news alert, FB message, or Instagram like. We can check into our flights, read our email, or FaceTime with family and friends halfway across the world. But even with this attention-zapping, double-edged sword of amazing technology, we can’t truly buy more time.

What we can do is be intentional with the time we have. We can sit down and figure out what truly is a priority, moving the necessities with the niceties around this core need—understanding our calling and unearthing our wholeness.

This is where Forty Mornings comes in. You’re beginning a relationship with this other part of yourself and setting the intention to show up and bring forth what surfaces. It’s a path intended to help you grow and expand into the creative, beautiful expression of your soul—the wholeness that you already are.

Are you down for this? Are you ready to set aside your preconceived notions and get real and raw with yourself? Are you ready to come home to your soul?

I wholeheartedly hope so! Click here to purchase your copy and being your Forty Mornings Quest.

If you buy my book and feel so inclined, please leave a review on Amazon as that helps with ranking as well as positions it to be suggested to others. I would be forever grateful and, as my daughter often says, “You’ll be blessed by unicorns.”

Categories: Writings

Tagged: author, Devotional, Forty Mornings, Self-Discovery, Soul Work

Be the bright constellation of all your hopes and dreams.

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A Saturn Return, A Return To Me

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11:11 Reflections on Synchronicity

Kristy

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I Wrote a Book, Now What?

Kristy

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Birth of an Author

Kristy

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